Join Me in Snarkville

It began just three little months ago — when *I*, the last of the royals took my turn at turning “3.”  However, when the clock flipped over to midnight o’one, Prince has now ruined it.  Yup — can you guess?  Today, Prince turned 34.  Seriously, I don’t think he was as thrilled to be a part of the “all of us are three” thing as me.  But alas, he has gotten his wish — he is no longer 3.

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It is no secret that I don’t sleep well.  It is also no secret that without a certain amount of sleep, I get crankier than any normal human is willing to put up and often Prince will be forced to push me into my room, lock the door with an order of don’t come out until you’ve slept (or take some PMS drugs — whichever).  Finally, what ranks up there with the travel agent who gets motion sick (yes on ships!) is that time zones kick my butt.  Seriously, three time zones will beat me up, leave me black and blue and not even have the heart to hug me and promise never to do that again. (more…)

Now, I’m late on the special, tear-jerking, overly sweet Christmas post, sue me. You see, I’ve been a wee bit quiet lately — because I’ve been away!!! I’ve been hesitant to mention my travel plans for Christmas, lest it not be totally secret — much like a covert operation to have the President in Iraq for a photo-op.

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(alternate title: Reason why the Queen is not smart #1,043)

Dear Santa:

I’ve been a very good Queen this year.  I’ve tried to keep a good home, raise a good child, and do good to others.  I’ve begun this very blog in a partial effort to make others feel better about themselves by comparison.  I have a happy child who is looking forward to your visit late on Christmas Eve.  We have even made cookies for you — with sprinkles.

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Oh my, I feel like it has been ages since I wrote an entry and I’m sorry it took so long.  What with finishing up the prep for Christmas (only my second favorite day of the year — right after my birthday — what you don’t celebrate my birthday too as a national holiday — what the???), trying to keep my head on straight, and oh deal with two problems that are all consuming at work.  Nothing a nap and ice cream won’t fix.

Ok, back to the world where it is all about me.  Nope, I got nothing.  Hmm.  Sorry.

Actually, I do have a few bullets to tide you over until I find a real post:

• Took Duke to a playground the other day.  This playground is bordered on one side by train tracks.  As we were eating our picnic, Duke was waving and talking to the train.  We then played some more and headed back to the car.  At the moment we started to head back, another train came through.  Duke turned on his little heels (yes, Sarah, wearing his red shoes) and waved and said (so the whole park could hear) “Hi, Train, how are you this evening?”  I’m thinking too much Thomas, right?
• For the past two days, I’ve had the worst headache ever.  I mean I want to remove my eyeballs with a spoon kind of bad.  I thought it was sinus.  I thought I was hungry (I’ve not been eating enough protein — since it is Christmas and I’m living off of candy canes like any good elf, right?), so I’d eat something.  This made sense ‘cept my headache was not going away.  Anyone want to guess the cause?  Yup, I didn’t get my pot of coffee those two days.  URGH.  I considered Betty Ford for coffee addiction, but I think I’m just going to have another cup instead.
• Prince found his tripod.  It has been “lost” in the house for 6+ months.  To the point we’ve been thinking of shopping for a new one.  We have borrowed one when needed, but where did it go?  Well, we (I mean he) had stored it somewhere it wouldn’t be lost.  He even looked within two feet of its location many times — but this weekend he FOUND it.  Yep, it was right next to the pinball machine and not under it as he thought. If it had been a snake…
• I am DONE with my Christmas shopping and knitting.  This is something I’m very proud of, but has caused me to think maybe I can make one more little thing before the 25th?  Think it is possible?
• I lied in the point right above this one — I had ONE more gift to purchase.  Yes, one more.  I just did it — you miss me?  No?  Good.  Ok, NOW I’m done.  Well, except wondering if I can make something (can’t mention what because the receiving party reads this and will know in a second who and what I’m talking about.)

Can you hear that?  I hear ice cream calling me - and maybe some cake to go with it.  Oh, yes — yet another reason to love this time of year — no one looks at you wierd when you make whole meals off of sweets.

Dear Rude Woman:

I am rather sure that your destination is rather important to you. I’m also fairly sure that YOU think your destination is more important than my destination. I am also fairly sure that you will NOT get there any faster by running up my bottom.

First, I am physically incapable of moving any faster than the person in front of me. I’m sorry but this is a law of physics and since I’m am not the rudest person to walk the face of the earth (nor do I have a strong desire to meet/touch/or otherwise be *THAT* close to the person STOPPED in front of me), I am not going to be forced to move forward a single inch. You see, unlike you and your unwashed self, I do not believe I can push the line from behind. I also have a firm grasp on the concept of personal space.

Second, I think that you might want to take a few notes on bathing often (let’s move it up to at least twice a week, k?) I’m thinking your BO would have been less offensive if you had not decided to stand inside my pants with me. EWWW, get out, please. On the smell note, it is IMPOSSIBLE to cover up poor bathing habits with perfume or body lotion. It makes you smell far worse and makes my head hurt.

Finally, I’m just guessing here, but I’m thinking you don’t follow the cart rules either — you should.

Sincerely,

The Queen

To the Kind Man who helped me yesterday,

I’m terribly sorry that I reacted with anger as you tried to help me with my bags. I would have never guessed that a complete stranger would help another human and imagine my shock to see someone actually help another. After dealing with smelly, rude woman for too long, your help was welomed once I realized that you weren’t in fact being an insensitive jerk.

I’m more than a little horrified that I have so little faith in humanity these days that I naturally assumed a nice guy to be a jerk. So I may have over-apologized, but I am sorry and very thankful.

Thank you,

The Queen

A few years back, for reasons truly unbloggable, I stopped sending Christmas cards. Personal ones. Ones with the photo of the family and the horrible Christmas “Let’s all catch-up” letter that is the butt of many a comic’s jokes. I just stopped.

There were reasons to be sure, but frankly, it took me about 20 seconds flat to realize that if what you read in the horrid letter was what you knew about me, then it probably meant we weren’t all that close anyway. I’m completely aware of how cold this sounds, and I probably am that cold, heartless person, but I’m the person who like relationships. I like real live relationships with real live humans.

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For reasons I can not explain, I’m swamped with things to do.  Ok, I can explain some of them — look at the calendar folks, you see that little date coming up, December 25th?  Well, it seems I have things to do to get ready for that date.  I’m serious this is getting insane.  Oh, I’m pretty much DONE shopping for it, but it is the SHIPPING that is killing me.

Sidenote: anyone other than me notice that the only letter different between shopping and shipping is the “I” — which I do believe may be my entire problem.  Look over there, something shinny.

So, in some insanity I call my brain, I have decided to handle this crunch of shipping and such by doing what comes completely naturally to me — Knitting.  Oh yes, while normal, sane people would be wrapping gifts and putting them in little packages and prepping them to go out to the mailman — no, I’m sitting in my chair with my coffee and my knitting in complete denial (it isn’t just a river in Egypt, people).  Hence the calendar doesn’t seem to be moving the dates around and I sit here, blogging, knitting, drinking coffee, and trying to pretend that I’m not actively engaging in the things, while the most fun, that aren’t getting me anywhere closer to getting the actual boxes of gifts OUT of my house.

I wonder what other seriously useless things I can do today in order to truly avoid those things that MUST be done???

When I sat down this morning (waiting for my coffee), I thought of the few things that I’ve shared to which I’ve not updated what happened next.  I mean how rude of me to shout out some small part of my life only to totally fail in keeping you informed as to its outcome.  After all I’m fully aware that the status of the cat puke in my life is why you come here every day to read me, right?  (Oh, dear please tell me it is for anything BUT the cat puke updates.)  Anyway, we are going to call this “Full Circle Thursday” and attempt to tie up loose ends that I may or may not have left dangling.

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…including the clutter, the mess, the ick.

Ok, so while I’m the master of many, many things, I am not the Queen of Organization. However, I know people. (And as a good friend of mine says, “Life takes knowing a guy.”)

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