Join Me in Snarkville

Nope, can’t make me.

First, I can’t find any of the four pairs of workout pants I own other than the gross ones I’ve worn for the past three days.
Second, my butt is still sore and I’m not at all thrilled with that.
Thirdly, I have a ton of laundry to do — see point the first.
Fourthly, I just don’t want to.
Finally, You can’t make me.

So, instead I will make my pot of coffee; continue to wash the mountain of laundry that I have, and consider putting on pants before I head off to work. Thrilling huh?

I started the sock last night. I so need a traveling sock for all the stuff I’m doing over the next months — perhaps I need many traveling socks. (Am I the only person that wonders if the Yarn Harlot can make a sock in 16 hours — it is in her Knitting Rules book — then why doesn’t her traveling sock ever seem to grow when she’s on the road? I think I would have at least turned the heel by now) But alas, back to me. I have begun a traveling sock.

This is one of my Kool-Aid dyed yarns from when Niki was here. I think if she could have squeezed it into her suitcase (it was a bit full of yarn) she might have tried to sneak this one out of here. I’m loving the colors even more as I knit them. There is no funky striping or pooling — which of course makes me thrilled and requires that I show it off). I’m doing the cable and rib pattern by Nancy Bush from Interweave. Since I have yet to do a cable, I’m ok — but I don’t own a cable needle small enough — so I must force myself to purchase a cable needle — the horror. You know, because I HATE to sit in yarn shops and see yarn AND tools, it is so difficult to put up with touching yummy, soft yarns. See some of you tonight at Knit Night!!

In a recent development (a phone call 20 seconds ago), I have learned that my last, missing cabinet door will be installed today between 11am and noon. So, I’m thinking that may mean pants are in order. But — one thing off the list of Frankenhouse — hmmm, I’ve lived here 7 months and one item is off the list — I thinking the whole house will be done by the time we move out, right?

If you read me for any length of time at all, you know I go to great lengths to keep my life, well private. I go to great lengths, until you click on that little link that reads “Day Job” and you can reach right out and touch me for real — but that’s just because I’m a ho and need to keep up with my bills on occasion. Anyway, look something shiney.
Well, I feel I must pull back the curtain this one time to share with you the Queen’s schedule for the summer months. I really want to have a personal secretary to help me keep up with it all — or hey, just someone who will pack, launder, and re-pack — truly, I’m easy to please. Some of this stuff is REALLY exciting too. I can’t wait to do 95% of it, it’s just I will be required to don real shoes and not my fuzzy slippers to do all of this. Ok, so here it goes.

April:
26th (yes, tonight): Mother’s Club Meeting
27th: Knit Night
29th: Hired a sitter, we are going to the city to have dinner with my husband’s car club folks
30th: Car club event — a drive, some food, some ad agency will be there too.

May:
4th: Knit Night
10th: Tour and lunch on a Holland America ship in port for the day.
11th: Breakfast with Oceania Cruise Line
11th evening: Knit Night
14th: Mother’s Day — while I must remember to buy the Queen Mum (and two grandmums) cards and such — I already HAVE placed the order for MY gift — a delightful, handmade jewelry box (perhaps for my birthday I’ll get new jewelry to put in it 17th: Board the NCL America’s newest ship, Pride of Hawaii for a 2 day cruise to nowhere. Will be way cool and was by invite only. (Feeling special here)
19th: Return home from cruise
25th: Knit Night
26th: Depart to head to the Queen Mum’s home for Memorial Day weekend
31st: Board Royal Caribbean’s Freedom of the Seas for a 2 day cruise to nowhere — these seem popular, huh?

June:
2nd: Head from the ship to Club Med for 4 days (and this is really work)
7th: Return home.
8th: Knit Night
15th: Knit Night
22nd: Knit Night
28th: Depart to Seattle for more training with Holland America (may leave on the 27th — haven’t fully decided yet) But a good friend of mine from AZ will be my room mate — so all is getting better.

July:
2nd: Return from Seattle

Then life can calm down a bit until October when the family take a 7 day cruise to Mexico. And then’s there visitors coming in August and us needing to leave over the holidays — my word, I’m pooped just typing all this.

So, who’s up for becoming my personal assistant?? I don’t pay and my life isn’t glamorous, but I knit — perhaps I can pay you in socks?

I know there are people in this world who can read a book aloud and it is like listening to the very author speak. These people, without having read the item first, can put the exact right tone on every single word. They never stumble over the names of people who have too many vowels. I, sadly, am not one of these people. My mother is. The Queen Mum has the most delightful reading voice. If I could figure out how to get her discovered in the world of books on tape, I would. As a child, she would read in the car — from the newspaper — and make the world around me come alive. My father delights in listening to her. Yup, that gene is going to die with her.

Now, I don’t think of myself as a poor reader, I’m just not my mother and will never be asked to read aloud in public EVER. But I always thought myself capable of private readings of bedtime stories to my son. You’d think after the 9 billionth reading of Dr. Suess I might get it right. Probably not. My attention span, which is roughly the size of a gnat, does not allow me to remember that Mr. Brown is a wonder or that the Cat in the Hat comes back with Thing One and Thing Two. (odd sidenote: Did you know that Dr. Suess once wrote porn? I heard it somewhere — perhaps total fiction — but I heard that he began to write for kids to atone for his “adult writing” In college, we had great fun trying to think what he’d write, “No, I wouldn’t in a car, or in a bar, or with a goat or in a moat…”) But again, I digress.

Last night, it was time to tuck a spun-up beyond belief Duke into bed. Now, I change his pants, put his undershirt on (I like to call it his diaper removal prevention suit), and his PJs. He DID.NOT want to go to bed and told me, “No, Jammers.” more times than I can count. So, I got him dressed. I called for the Prince for tucking in services. Prince was busy and said he’d be right in. So, I pulled down the book we had been reading — the complete Thomas the Tank Engine series — and began. Literally, two sentences in, Prince walks in. Duke gets all excited and says, “Daddy read.” then “Night, Night, Mama, I love you.” I get a hug and sent on my way. Now, I’m not upset that Daddy gets to read — I was just amused that at TWO and a HALF, my son already knows that I’m not meant to be reading aloud. Either that or I should only be reading the “Zoo Book” (Put me in the Zoo) which I hate with a passion.

Well, I guess I should be off to read silently — would hate to disturb the cats or dog with my “reading”

I was going to start this post to tell you all about my weekend. How we went into the city yesterday afternoon for soap (yes, we are weird people who go to a special store to buy soap at horribly high prices and I’m ok with it because I love it — and you would love it too) and ran into a girl I knew on the east coast who moved out here about a year before I moved out. Literally, we passed each other on the street — as we did countless times at our common workplace for years — only 3,000 miles away in a town I don’t go into except MAYBE once a month). Weird, huh?
There was some humor about the story and I would have shared. I would have until I was reading my long list of morning blogs and saw this. These amazing, fabulous people brought their kids “home” with them last night. I can’t even get my hands around their last 24 to 48 hours. I remember giving birth to Duke and laying in bed with him thinking I’d taken on the biggest job I could ever imagine (and I did). But with Duke nearing 3 years old, I’ve grown up as a mommy as he’s grown up as a kid. I look at the school kids walking to school down my street and I think, “I have no idea how to even begin to talk to a 5 year old.” Once I thought that about 3 too — but I digress. I can’t imagine having two school aged kids, who don’t speak English, yet, and jumping right in. I’m beyond impressed with these two people. So, congratulations, my friends. Come home soon.

You know, this always happens to me. I sit down to post something to my blog and I think, Hmm, do we think this is funny or interesting or oh, worth spending calories to type? (yes, I refer to myself in the royal third person, want to make something of it?) Well, then I type something of vague interest to me at least and perhaps someone might get a snicker out of it. Then, I look out the window and when I stop thinking I should wash that window with all the nose prints on it, I see *IT* — the thing I should have blogged about. The thing that is actually funny, interesting, and worth my time and calories. Ready?

I have a GANG in my backyard. Yes, it is a wild gang, take no prisoners, probably vicious. I have a gang of cats in my backyard. Now, in previous installments of Snarkville, you have learned that my backyard is a bit overgrown. You may also know that we have a neighborhood cat (we like to refer to it as “Scary Cat”) who likes to come visit (read stalk) my back yard. This cat freaks me out, because at first glance it is a tabby - blue point mix that has potential of beauty. Then you take a second glance a realize that a) it is UGLY beyond belief and b) it is looking at you with that “Leave your door or window open for a second and I’m coming in and making myself at home.” look. Yes, I have a small fear of this Cujo-esque cat.
This is Scary Cat, as seen in the fall, in our backyard. He is sitting on the table my dog uses to hop up to the steep slope of a backyard we have to do his dog thing.

This is what I saw out of the kitchen window this afternoon. What is shocking is that this cat is a PERFECT cross between my eldest ginger tabby (who is indoors all the time) and my in-laws’ rag doll orange tabby. And he/she kept looking at me, like it wanted to be my best friend and sleep in my bed tonight UNDER my covers with me. He looked sweet and kind and made me want to go pet him — and he looked perfectly content under his little tree in the shade — enjoying his cat nap.

So as I was enjoying the “conversation” with this orange guy’s eyes, I saw something that was grey and furry off to the side. Hmmm, I wonder if he’d caught himself a mouse or something — then it moved — freaked me out a bit; but I watched. And found cat #3 in our backyard. This one is a cross between the orange guy and Scary Cat. I got this one shot of him as my angle was a bit bad when he was napping in the bushes — and I wasn’t going to actually go outside to visit. I’m guessing I made some noise in my opening a window to get a good shot — and out from that one bush came THREE cats running across my back yard and out the gate. THREE WHOLE CATS. With the three that live in luxury inside the house, that means there were a total of 6 cats within 20 square feet. I have just become THAT crazy cat lady (and bonus plan, I knit too — so I’m thinking if Prince ever walks, my chances of landing any other man are somewhere in the snowball and Hell’s chances).
Let me tell you that it is pretty freaky to see herding cats — I was unaware they were pack like animals — but I have them. So do you think they look vicious enough to keep the field mouse population away from my house?

Wow — I really can’t fathom that it is really Friday. Since I thought Tuesday should have been Thursday, you can imagine I’ve had a bit of a long week.
I became a hand model in yesterday’s Marin Independant Journal. I’m getting a back copy since the photo of my hands is not online — I promise to take a photo of the COVER shot to share. But I have to say it was very, very cool.
Knit Night, last night, was fun and snarky as usual. Actually, in a way I think we were more bonded because of the article and really enjoyed the evening better. There is a Farmer’s Market right outside the shop on Thrusdays. While it is pretty cool to have food vendors (though I think I had the WORST Thai Iced Tea last night — ICK), there is a band that plays — literally 20 feet from the front door. It seems there may be a different entertainer weekly, and I do hope this guy doesn’t come back. He seemed to believe he could make up for poor playing and no voice with SHEER VOLUME. Now, as one who is tone deaf, I can understand the finer points of volume over talent — but I’m an accomplished tone deaf person, who knows the far greater benefits to “mouthing the words” over actual noise. Perhaps I should train others?
Anyway, the first sleeve has be begun on my sweater. Big shout of thanks to the bad mommy who brought me more orange yarn. I can’t wait to wear my soon to be new sweater.

I live in “Frankenhouse” Yup. When a contractor does all the work on his very own house, this house is what you get. I have a house with 3 TOTAL phone jacks that work (Because of a mouse issue from years ago) and one of them is in the garage. I have a house that is missing window screens on 3 windows (two of them in bedrooms) and NO AC. I have a house that has a backyard that could use a little help — if by a little you mean, “Fire and lots of it” — over grown is an understatement. I have a house that has a completely NEW kitchen (with a very old stove) that is missing a cabinet door because it wasn’t ordered correctly and should have been installed 6 months ago when we moved in. I have a house that the owners’ insurance company was about to pull the insurance on because the spark catcher at the top of the chimney is SO old. I have a house with a backyard gate that is hanging by a RUSTY nail (I kid you not).
However, yesterday, the stars aligned, the sun was shinning, angels sung out with glee — the spark catcher was replaced AND the unfinished cabinet door was picked up for finishing (with the promise of return by SATURDAY)!!!! Joy, Happy, Joy. Now if I can find screens for the windows before summer and try to figure out how to put up a ceiling fan in the one bedroom (Duke’s) that is missing one — life may be perfect in my little Frankenhouse.

I’m married to Mr. Punctual. In fact, there is a long standing story of how on our first date, he was literally at my door when I was stepping out of the shower. He claims he was driving around my neighborhood for 45 minutes before ringing my doorbell a full 15 minutes early. In my defense, I’m not normally a running late kind of girl. However, I had just gotten through a 1 year relationship with a guy who ALWAYS late, by at least 20 minutes — so at that point in my life, habit had said I had 35 full minutes before I would be answering the door. But alas, no — drippy and not quite dressed, my future husband got to joy of entertaining my cat while I rushed to do girlie things like dry off.

Anyway, that long history to explain that my husband actually believes in the phrase, “Early is ‘On Time’; On time is ‘Late’; and Late is unacceptable.” So, we had to go to a meeting this morning, as a couple, together, in the SAME car. URGH. Not only did this mean leaving my house at an hour I hesitate to mention to take Duke to school. It meant I was forced to drink my required morning coffee in the car while listening to Prince’s required BBC. URGH. Then we drive — SOUTH — towards the CITY — in rush hour. Hello? Who thought a breakfast meeting anywhere around here was a good plan? But we left plenty of time to get there. We left so much time in fact that my dear, sweet, always early person had us arrive at the location a full hour before the meeting began. A full hour. So, not only are we the only dorks in the world who can’t judge how long it takes to drive 18 miles, we are the only dorks in the room. No problem, there was breakfast. BONUS, first dibs on the good stuff.

So, while this was cruel and unusual punishment for me, I have a friend who was kind enough to send me an e-mail with subject line: “getting here on time stinks!” To summarize, she left for work at 7:40am and arrived at her destination on time. Why it stinks in her world is that when it seemed like it should be 9am, it was only 8:30am. To this I say, poor baby. I’m so sorry. Afterall, I was sitting in the car wondering how to waste time before an reasonable person might show up at 7:40am. No, I’m not bitter or anything.

Of course on most days, she hates me since I commute all of 20 feet in my fuzzy slippers and bathrobe to my office. I claim there is lots of traffic, what with the back-up of dust bunnies on the stairs and the horrible kitty cat roll over in the sunbeam. I don’t think she’s buying that I have a tough life — maybe if I didn’t knit in the middle of the day?

Just a quickie (teehee, I said quickie) on something Duke did. We all love to watch American Chopper in Snarkville. Since the Prince and I will be up for our parent of the year award, we feel it is important that Duke see what the competition is for “bad parenting”.

Anyway, on a recent espiode, Mikey (the younger and lazy child) was sleeping on the couch in the office snoring loudly.

Duke pointed at the TV and said, “Nite Nite, Mikey.” Then runs off to his room, pulls the covers over his head and fake snores (ala Three Stooges style).

I went to sleep last night thinking that tomorrow was Thursday and I’d have knit night that evening. It was a pleasant dream and you can imagine my SHOCK when I woke up and it was only Tuesday. Well, now it is 9:30am and I’m still waiting on the first cup of coffee for the day.

Better thoughts. The sweater is progressing. I’m about 12 rounds from beginning the sleeves. My good friend at The Bad Mommy offered to pick up the need two balls of orange at Artfibers for me, since she can’t do lunch on Friday (the day I could have run into the city to pick them up). She’s wonderful. This sweater is knitting up way fast and I can’t wait to wear it, though it may be this fall before I do. Now just one more sweater and I can confine my stash once again to its box. But I NEED to get more socks done (yes, my feet are getting chilled). Oh, did you want to see a photo of the sweater? Of course you do.

So, what do you think? I think it needs sleeves and it needs LOTS of ends to be woven in (notice I didn’t take a photo of the inside). Thus far it has been a really fun sweater to knit. The yarn is so soft and it feels good. I hope the stripes line up ok on the sleeves — and, oh, that it looks as good on as it does on the table. Nothing like a little worry, huh?

Since I also know that you are just aching for a potty update. We re-read a book or four over the weekend and are now teaching him how to clean up after all accidents. In addition, he also must “practice” running to the potty when he needs to go. We aren’t sure that the latter is helping much, but late yesterday evening, I walked by the bathroom to find Duke, holding his underpants over the potty (emptying poop into the toliet). Without much prompting he completely cleaned himself up, and mostly got himself into a clean pair. I am a wee bit proud of this. Now, if we can only prevent the accidents in the first place.

Unlike last week, when I took myself to the movies on a Tuesday, I think today, I’m going to take myself to the grocery store. Not so much a fair trade as a needed trip. I think the Prince may revolt if we don’t have a meal this evening. He’s so picky about this eating thing, I just don’t understand why he can’t live off Peeps like I have for the past two days. Anyway, while at the store, I plan on picking up Easter egg dye for future “dye jobs” for socks. Sounds like a blast huh?

So, back to dreaming it is Thursday. It seems a Farmer’s Market closes the street near my yarn shop, which means parking is a premium. I plan on heading in early and grabbing a bite for dinner at the market. If you go to Marin Fiber Arts and want to join me, let me know so I’ll be on the look out for you. Perhaps there will be sleeves by Thursday.