Join Me in Snarkville

I forgot one couple AND some more news — methinks the sun affected my brain.

The couple — our RiderCoaches. This is Amie and Cam. They were so much fun and started to really enjoy themselves too. They are married and remind me so much of Prince and me — only tanner. They laughed so hard and joked but were serious at all the right moments. But my favorite was when I got them. I was going around this curve doing pretty well (seems to involve a “big head turn” — which as it turns out has NOTHING to do with big hair). However, as I was going around the turn I did a quick check to make sure I was in the lane. When I stopped, Cam tells me, “You did great, the head was turned so well, but I saw you look back — once you commit to the head turn you need to stick with it.” Amie was there too trying to explain the finer points of peripheral vision. So, I look up and say deadpan, “So it is like when I’m checking out a cute guy and don’t want my husband to notice?” I thought Amie was going to pee her pants and Cam started to stutter. It was awesome.

The news I forgot is that sometime soon, Snarkville is moving — off Blogger. I will announce the move once it happens, but be aware it may happen soon.

Oh, yes, the Queen took her tests yesterday and in the process she got BURNED. Ok, first you will want to know that no the Queen is certified to ride around in a parking lot! She passed her class with colors that were flapping there wings REALLY hard attempting to fly. But she passed. No she was not at the bottom of the class, but we all know what they call the guy who graduates at the bottom of the class in med school right? DOCTOR. So, I passed. I have my little paper that says “DMV, Give this woman a license.” I feel great, except that I’m red in my face and neck. I wore sunscreen folks; reapplied as needed; but I’m so naturally fair that I turned into a red and white racoon (I had glasses on) quickly. But before I go on to anything else in my world, I wanted to introduce you to the fine humans I had in class with me:

Meet Gary. Gary looked like he was few bricks short of a bushsel. While not dumb, just not bright. Gary was also in his 50’s and wasn’t going through a mid-life crisis from what I could tell. In thinking it through, I’m betting he was there because he was trying to save gas money more than the thrill of two wheels. He wore work gloves, a borrowed helmet, a faded Lands’ End rugby shirt, and circ. 1979ish men’s leat.her lace up ankle booties. It was a look, let me tell ya.

Meet Matt. I met Matt walking into class on Saturday when he asked me where class might be. He rode in on his bike and was really there for the insurance break. Matt wears a matt black helmet because it is like his name. Matt is 19 or 20. He is cute and dumb — much like a puppy. He gets by on this great smile and unembarassed attitude, but beyond that there isn’t much there.

Meet John and Ross. This is a father and son duo. Dad rides a Harley and the son has been dirt biking for years. John told me that he thought to do this as a bonding thing between them and he was going to get Ross his own bike this fall. Ross probably isn’t 20, but is polite and sweet. John was a delight to speak with too (though vaguely gave me the creepy feeling that he was constantly checking to see if I was married). My favorite story of them is when they gave us their scores at the end. The Coach (Amie) said, “Ross, you got a perfect score. I watched you on the range and you are really good. I would like to invite you become a Rider Coach if you wish.” John, who was standing next me, stood up a little taller with pride. It was sweet. [After seeing this, if Duke wants to ride the scooter when he is older, I may send both the boys through school together. I think it sends a powerful message that father and son did it together. But Duke, nor Prince, will be on a motorcycle. The Queen has spoken.]

Meet Jim. Jim is tall and lean. In class he was the typical go getter type. He read all the stuff before hand and had highlighted it. He wrote the answers out to all the questions before hand too. He was organized and competant. On the range he wore black leather pants and sport bike boots. They were very new. He owns a 650cc something or other and wants to get into the motorcross type stuff. I liked Jim from the very beginning. He seemed to be the dad who would have his kids in little league and yet had this odd edge to him with the bike thing. He was encouraging to a fault, especially to me. For some reason, we would be in line together and would chat during the breaks. He felt my pains with problems with tight right turns — don’t ask it is a long story — but trust me when I say they feel totally different than lefts. On day two at 3pm, we go to take a break. Jim pops to his car, an Acrua SUV, and comes to the break area with a cooler so packed with drinks (Gatorade, lemonade, water, Pepsi, Hanson’s Raspberry Soda, etc) that it served two ranges and there were people grabbing drinks on the way home. Yup, total suck up — and yet, I still liked him.

Meet Helen. Helen and her son and daughter were in class together. Helen was inheirting her son’s scooter (125cc) and had never been on one until Saturday. She had a lot to learn. She needed help to get the scooter on and off the stand; she couldn’t control it well in turns; and she showed no confidence. She passed too — perhaps we should debate the numbers who pass, right? However, her daughter dropped her bike in the middle of the test. Because there were two ranges going on the daughter was able to re-test on the other range and got her certs.

Those are the folks of note. Let me tell you, I spend a long time with these fine examples of humanity - and yet, I’m thrilled none of them knows where I live.

On to a few other things.

• More sun for the Queen today as I get to take Duke to his swimm lesson at 11am. 30 minutes in the sun today through Thursday.
• Happy Father’s Day, Prince. He was thrilled to learn that the cat puke I told him was on his laptop was really just cards from Duke and I. His present was a Canon Rebel Camera that I got him a while back.

I’ll admit this from the beginning. I’m tired. I am pooped to the point that I’m not sure this will even make sense when I’m done typing, but here it goes.

Scooter Class (Really motorcycle school that had scooters) was great. I learned a little; confirmed a few things; and even gained a little confidence. I rode for 5 hours from 12:30pm to 5:30pm — in the HOT, HOT, HOT sun. It was in the 90’s and we weren’t going fast enough for the nature’s A/C (read: wind) to help a bit. I’m a wee bit pink around the edges.

The best story of the day was going to class when not one but TWO people stopped me to ask where the class was, as I was walking towards the SIGN (which was less than 30 feet away from the askers and closer to them than me). This proves people are stupid.

In other Snarkville news, Prince decided it was hot and we bought A/C today. Well, before you go all — my, my being Queen must be pretty nice getting A/C in the middle of summer. Know this we bought one of those stand alone units (mostly because my windows are too narrow to actually allow for window units. So we are giving this one a shot — thus far (in like 1 hour) we feel cooler — which is the point I know, but I’m going to bed now.

Cross your fingers that I pass my two tests tomorrow.

I just learned something. Stop faking shock, it is real. I learned that studying is a practiced skill that one can loose after 10+ years from taking any sort of test. I’m thinking it is like a muscle of something that if you don’t use, you loose. I lost it.
Now, the Queen Mum would argue, probably very correctly, that I perhaps never had a well exercised muscle to begin with, since I seemed to drift through school with a lovely A/B average with books that were never cracked. My own learning style never seemed to involve actual work or reading. I’m fairly adapt at listening and learning and picking up a few things along the way that leads me to the Queen’s test taking pointer #1: Learn the buzz words, sprinkle them liberally throughout the essay and walk away with great grades. Please note this doesn’t work on multiple motorcycle exams at the DMV — but that’s not what I’m talking about today.
Today we are discussing the fact I have to take two days of Motorcycle Safety classes this weekend. I need to “be able to answer questions beginning on page 51″ in a book I downloaded from the net. Thus far, I’ve printed the book out and made coffee. Now, my absolutely favorite Calc teacher in high school would tell me at this point, “you’d have a better chance of learning it now if you sat on it and hoped for osmosis.” Problem is I got great grades in Calc — so perhaps the osmosis method works? No, huh?
So today is a day of study. How about a little advice for the studying challenged, namely me. What can you tell me that will spark both my desire to learn this AND my ability to retain it (at least for 2 days)?
Thus far these points aren’t doing it for me:

1. Studying will be less painful that dying when you fail to operate the scooter properly.
2. If those idiots on motorcycles can pass this class you can — afterall, they couldn’t possibly have been able to read the first 51 pages, right? (FWIW, this theory did not help me pass the written motorcycle exam the first few times)
3. Get it done and have a cookie.

Do we see my problem yet? So, I throw this out to you my friends — help your Queen, please.

In other news, the sock knitting cruise site is launched. Duke stayed dry all day at school and had one accident at home last night. And I have tons to study today.

I woke up this morning to news of an earthquake south of San Jose. I have to say this one was minor, no reports of damage and it was FAR away from Snarkville. But it still freaks me out a little. The Queen has never been through an earthquake. A hurricane, yes; a tornado, pretty darn close; all forms of water falling from the sky, OH YES. However, never an earthquake. Prince describes this state as the land that God forgot, because other than hurricanes there is not a single weather/natural disaster that doesn’t happen here. — I should remember to ask him where the volcano is, but still you get my point. We have mudslides, raging wild fires, snow, rain (for like 4 to 5 months straight), earthquakes, tornados, wind storms — do you see where I’m going here?
Now if I were Jerry Falwell or Pat Robertson, I’d probably think that the sorry state of the natural disasters here is due to the left wing bent of parts of this state. We could also add the hippies in my mother’s club too — but that’s just icing really. But I’m not one of “those people,” I’m sane (Polly and Prince STOP laughing). So, while I refuse to believe that all these natural disasters concentrated in one little state is because of the raging liberal bias or the desire to elect an actor governor, it makes me wonder about the stability of the state as a whole. Now, work me here. If you live under pretty much constant knowledge that the hill is going to slide down, the brush outside WILL catch fire and not be contained for weeks, AND the earth will shakes uncontrollably for a period of time — would you not be more willing to live in the here and now and let tomorrow handle itself? Perhaps I’ve come up with the reason that my mother’s club is full of nut jobs (ok, a few REALLY weird folks and a lots of nice and wuiet ladies who don’t think it would be polite to tell the freak to get a grip, but just blog badly about them)? So it is in this light I give you this little nugget of Mother’s Club goodness:

I am familiar with the malls and shopping areas south of Snarkville. I was just wondering what is North of here?? Such as in St. Snarkburg. I am looking for men’s shoes and would like to go somewhere with a lot of different stores to look at.
If there is a mall what stores does it have?

Let’s begin with a geography lesson. Snarkville is in the same county as St. Snarkburg. In fact it takes you less than 30 minutes to get one of the TWO crappy malls in St. Snarkburg. The closest mall south of Snarkville is about 45 minutes away. And the residents of the Snark State have NO idea what the heck a mall is around here — I think they believe a strip mall with Target and Costco is a real mall - URGH. So, here’s one of the questions that makes me shake my head. I’m new to Snarkville, well, the physical Snarkville, the Snarkville in my mind has been there all my life. I’ve lived here only since October. I’ve been to the St. Snarkburg malls and various strip malls MANY times. I’ve even been to some of the ones between here and San Francisco. What I don’t get is this odd theory that St. Snarkburg is the “city” and we shouldn’t ever go there. We bought our Vespa there and in speaking to the super lovely shop owners, they mentioned, “We don’t see many customers from Snarkville.” We know — they think St. Snarkburg is the other side of Tahoe — GEEZ.
Now that we’ve gotten geography out of the way, let’s discuss her request for men’s shoes. In the mall that is south of here there is perhaps the Mecca of all shoe stores — Nordstorm’s. (Mir, are you out there — can we get good prices on shoes there?) So, if you have that and seem to know where that is — what are you doing asking about places that have a shoe barn, a sears, and a Costco? But perhaps this woman who I will tell you has lived here most of her life, doesn’t know this? Do you think her car knows North?

On to other things: Duke is doing pretty good on the potty thing. He had two accidents yesterday one at school and one at home. He really isn’t doing badly since we’ve only been doing the nearly full time underpants thing since Saturday. Prince and Duke are home together all weekend, so I’ll be interested in how that goes. I’ll be gone all day both days since I have my motorcycle safety class. While I’m there, I’ll be signing Prince up for his.

I think our Queen may be a little PMSy. She’s think her last post was less snarky and downright bitchy. Ok, so let’s back-up and minute and talk about happy things. We’ve had a day of good news in the Royal Family.

• Duke went the whole day at school without a single accident. He had one at home, but is getting there on the potty training thing. Where we seem to not be making progress is in him telling us he needs to go or going on his own. But I’m going to assume that comes with time. Let’s thank the laundry fairies for a day with less laundry.
• I signed Duke up for two weeks of swim lessons today. It was cheap; it will most likely be in the smack middle of the day; for which Duke will go to school part time for two weeks. But he’ll get to ’swim’ and a little mommy/Duke time is good for mommy.
• The two worst chewers on Duke will be gone from his classroom by Friday. It seems that the little boy who was the horrible repeat offender has FINALLY been asked to leave school. Let me let you in on a secret, his Daddy was picking him up when I was picking Duke up from school there were at least TWO incident reports for Dad to sign — neither had to do with Duke. I believe his last day will be Friday — but let me tell you, this Dad has YEARS of problems ahead. The other boy is moving up to the three year old room and will be moving away in September. Hurray.
• Finally, Duke ate black olives. If you know anything about my son, he is the pickiest eater, so a new food is rare and often comes with much work….today we played with dinner for two hours — and is resulted in eating most of the can of sliced black olives AND shredded cheese (another first).

So that’s it folks — potty, biting, swimming, and eating — the good things in my life today — see how much happier we all feel?

I know what I’m about to post with result in envy from all my friends out there. You will get to the end of the blog entry and think, “Why do I read the Queen, her life is more glamorous than mine and I long to rush to Snarkville and kill her in hopes of taking over her life.” It could happen, right?
Ok, for those out there who are totally concerned over my to do list from yesterday, I made it to number SEVEN and even dipped into a few things lower on the list because they were easy. I did not however either mop or vacuum the floors — so when you come here to kill me, please clean up the blood and mop the corners when you are done, k?
Now onto the two reasons you will hate me. First, Duke peed in *MY* chair last night, worse is that I DIDN’T know it and SAT in it. Second, I served my family a dinner that was SO bad last night that neither Prince nor I ate more than salad. Yup — I’m going to be nominated for Mother/Wife of the Year any day now.
But that’s not the point of today’s fun post. I had so much fun with my mother’s club e-mails I thought I’d update you on a few more gems that I got since I’ve been back:
In the category of at what point do you just stop trying to give away YOUR trash:

Gently used, 5 year old Exesaucer ( evenflo brand) free to whoever
wants to pick it up!

or this gem (amazingly not the SAME saucer)

Free Evenflo Exersaucer

Well used (by 4 kids). It’s an older model so it’s
much simpler than today’s saucers, but it has worked
great for my kids. It’s great to have for outside to
have someplace to keep the baby while you spend time
outdoors in the summer. I can send a picture if you’re
interested.

Come on folks at somepoint this stuff is really just trash. Well used by FOUR, count them FOUR kids — what do we think THAT one really looks like? I gave mine to a girlfriend of mine (GAVE it to her after one child for a few months) and I can tell you before I did I still scrubbed it within an inch of its life. I’m thinking after FOUR kids perhaps the dump is a good location for it? Oh but no, in the ‘burbs of Snarkville, never underestimate the power of FREE — in minutes, (MERE minutes), someone took up BOTH of these saucers.

So let’s review this FREE thing within the mother’s club. Here is just an example of some of the FREE offers I get in my e-mail daily. Please note, these are EXACT quotes from the e-mails - including a few very bad spellings.

I have a box of disposable nursing pads if anyone wants them. Free if you want to come and pick them up.

I have a dozen white cloth diapers that were used as burp cloths (all that ever went on them was breast milk spit up). They’ve been used for 2 kids, so they’ve been through the wash LOTS of times, but they’re still in great shape. Anyone want them?
Seems like I could never have enough of these around when mine were infants!

I have found in my cupboard a box that still had 4 of this drop-ins
left. They are unused and still in its original packaging. No
bottle or Nipple but you have those already the drop-ins will be useful.

Diaper Genie

Ok, so that’s my short list — people trying to give away what the Queen clearly thinks is trash. What really scares me is that people take this stuff — we gone through the used diaper thing before — but now a used Diaper Genie???? Oh, gross. I had a grand total of three of them through the first two years of Duke’s life. I loved it and they worked great. However, I wouldn’t bring them to Snarkville with me when we moved — to the curb with it.

But finally, I want to share with you my personal favorite e-mail that I got yesterday:

Can anyone sell or lend me some Braney DVDs for our two trips we are taking this summer. One is this weekend, leaving on TH. And one is in mid July. Barney is my daughter’s #1 favorite and we only have shows taped for her. I dont want to spend $15 or more on Barney! Yuck!!

I would be happy to return them to you if you need them back…or buy them offf of you if they are inexpensive!

Thanks so much! It will make our trips soooo much less stressful~I love u, u love me……………………….

This is so ripe for blog fodder, I couldn’t resist. First, who is the parent here? If you don’t like Barney, then why was your kid ever introduced to him? I can tell you we have three absolute NO’s on Duke’s TV viewing — No Barney, No Teletubbies, No Booba. Guess what? I control the remote control. There is no purple dino in this house. Now, I know many a kid who LOVES the dino and their parents are all ok with it — but I’m not, so Duke will miss it. I also happen to not enjoy the Bearenstein Bears, so it isn’t on the top of Duke’s to watch list either. Second, when asking to BORROW something from 400ish people, perhaps it would be a good idea NOT to insult those who HAVE what you need to borrow. Did you see it? Did you see how this mother said it was yucky to spend $15 on Barney DVD, but she would love to borrow the ones YOU spent $15 on, right? How is that NOT insulting.
Sadly, I don’t know if she got any DVDs. I’m kind of hoping she didn’t, because I’m evil that way.

In closing, because I, truly, can’t live in this state of Snark all morning, I must answer the question left by Sarah HB in comments yesterday. FWIW, Sarah, your box has not left Snarkville yet — it is caught in “customs” in Snarkville, but is expected to clear by the end of the week. Anyhoo, look something shiny. Sarah asked how we are liking the Vespa. I have to say I love it. I take it out a few times a week, unless my errand involves needing a trunk. This weekend, I have my motorcycle safety class. Yes, I get to go over Father’s Day weekend — that bonding time with the boy for Dad, right? I’ll tell you all about that when I get back — in fact I need to move up on my to do list, studying the manual. Coffee calls.

Sidenote: The Prince, in reading this title, has just died of a heart attack. Let’s all hope he recovers from the shock that the Queen has a bit of housekeeping to do in Snarkville.

Since my whirlwind tour of Florida for two weeks, this is the first day I’m home alone. Home to get a list of things to do that is a mile and a half long done. Actually, I have a priority to them and fully intent to get through at least number four on the list. (No, I’m not sharing that 2 and 3 may or may not be showering and having breakfast.) So, thus, I have no real coherant thoughts to share, I thought I’d share a few little things.

1. Duke left for school today in his underpants. Yep, I’m taking a leap of faith that he got there dry and that by keeping him in underpants he will be potty trained. He had a grand total of THREE accidents all weekend. Mind you he still wears a diaper to sleep, but I have to say he isn’t holding it all to go then — so I’m declaring PROGRESS.
2. You may wish to go here, and read one of my favorite bloggers write about something she knows lots about — saving money. This is her new thing and I think the first days are proving to look good. I will mention she had me in her “I take questions” post — where she says, “Disclaimer: I’m not a professional financial advisor. I am a professional smartass.” I mean who can’t love that??
3. I finished a dang project!!! My Misty bag (nicknamed the fair isle project from hell — remind me that I’m nuts for doing 12″ in fair isle on my FIRST project, please) is done. I made it out of Karakoe and I was truly worried about how it would felt — everyone who I knew that tried it had run Cascade 220 with it. Oh my. I believe I may have just found my new favorite felting yarn!!! It is wet and not pretty yet, but I will take photos when she is dry and I’ve snipped the ends. In ONE wash, she felted down to something so firm I can’t stand it. There are no stitches to be found — though if I were to do it again (and I won’t be making another Misty anytime soon — Prince calm down), I would have double stranded my base, since the fair isle portion is just a nice thickness. I had gotten to the point I had hated this bag, I’m back in love with it, but I’m still thinking about gifting it.
4. I have a few special projects in the works on my professional life, all which will be announced in the upcoming weeks. I know, I’m a tease — but they are moving right along rather quickly. Think happy thoughts, please and wish on a few shooting stars for me.

Ok, my coffee, shower, and breakfast are all calling my name. Once that is done I’m off to deal with my long list of to do’s today.

Today the mailman in my little burb brought me a box. I got really excited when I saw my very own name on it. Then I may have squealed with glee when I saw the from line was “Your Secret Pal”
First, let me send cyber kisses to my secret pal. I love the yarn. In fact, and there is NO way she knew this, but I sent a skein similar to these to my friend Niki for Christmas — and I’d been drooling over it ever since. I think these are going to become a handbag — the handbag in the first stitch and bitch book with the round handle. So, if there was any doubt, I love it. Also, I’ve already begun the book — it is so perfect — very similar to Yarn Harlot but with less psychology of the Knitter and more real information — her humor is in her asides (much like the Queen, I think — right?). And the crown? Well, who can’t love a woman who knows to send the Queen a crown. So, SP, did you make the card yourself? It is pretty!!!

And now for the opinion poll of the day: I’ve been toying with a little idea about pulling together a knitting cruise for my pretty friends. I have a hand-dyed sock yarn person on board and more details would be forthcoming. I’m thinking spring of next year, like April. The simple question of the day is — what would it take, my knitting friends, to get you to take the cruise? (And no, free is not an option Who might you like to see on it? What special things would you be interested in doing — other than seeing your Queen? Ok, discuss.

…ok, Prince has all the entries from the Hawaii stuff contest — Read to the end of the post to find out who won.

But — since I’ve been getting all sorts of “So what did you dress up as to win a portable DVD player…” e-mails — (and I got the photos) —

Here we are at the beginning of the party:
And this is from when we won. Sorry this one is dark.

For the record, we went as “Cruisers on Formal Night” and I was told by one of my fellow agents “you know you did well when you beat the gays.” — The second place was a pair of Roman soliders — we said they were a pack of Trojans.

And the winner of a bag of stuff from Pride of Hawaii is ….. Sarah HB. Kindly send me a snail mail address and off it will go. And I promise there isn’t a Mumu in the bag at all.