Join Me in Snarkville

Just so you can understand what a true royal welcome home is all about. These are all things that have occured in the 24 hours I’ve been home.

• Pure GLEE from Duke at 6am, when it dawned on him that yes, in fact, MAMA was home. I’m not sure if the joy was because I was home or that he instantly knew I’d make his morning oatmeal — and we all know, no one makes oatmeal like Mama.
• “Duke, keep your feet out of Mama’s face, please.”
• “Wait til you watch him watch the Wiggles.” (He has completely new dance moves since I left. Since the Prince is hardly going to get up and dance, I’m not sure where he picked them up — but I have to say there are many more twirls than I left him doing.”
• Absolutely no accidents. Perhaps we are going to see the end of diapers in my lifetime.
• This totally normal conversation:
• Duke: I watch Dirty Jobs.
• Me: Honey, we don’t have any Dirty Jobs on TIVO; what about Mythbusters or American Chopper?
• Duke: No, DIRTY JOBS.
• Me: How about you go read a book, k?
• Duke: ok.
• Yep, it is a proud parenting moment when the child will take a book over American Chopper.
• “Duke, Mama and Daddy are talking, why don’t you help me put your laundry away. Do you know where your underwear goes?” (This sound odd? I just last week gave him a new dresser and moved all of his clothes around a bit.)
• any guesses how much of the “laundry” made it to the right destination?
• Best Destination for any of the laundry? My kitchen towels were thrown into the sink, to soak up the bowl of dirty water Prince had left since the dishes in the dishwasher were clean. (Re-wash SIX dish towels)
• “NO! STOP! POOP” Prince to Duke. I come running.
• Me: What now?
• Prince: “He got a bottle of lotion (like we all steal from hotels — shut up, you do too) out of the trash. First, he played with the bottle and any of the leftover lotion. Then, he dropped it in the potty — and I think he’s already peed in it.”
• PRINCE DID NOT MOVE. Not one little step beyond the door to the bathroom. I think the pee/poop covered lotion bottle that soaking in a pee toliet was more than the man could stand. He stood there and stuttered.
• *I* calmly walked over, pull the boy off the potty (wiped his lotion covered lower half of his body down) and removed the plastic bottle from the toliet and flushed. As I do this, I hear, “Do we have any rubber gloves?” (I think briefly of the condom we got in the goody bag of BlogHer — and remove the bottle bare handed.)
• Finally, during bathtime, Duke demands soap and unthinking, I hand him the closest bar of soap. He’s done well with bars of soap before; but I should have listened to my inner parent screaming, “NO”
• He’s washing his knees (he’ll tell you that he has stinky knees — which is I guess why if gets a hold of either of our deodorants, he puts it on his knees).
• He rubs his eye.
• You can guess what happens next.
• I get him calmed down. I rinse the eye. I ask, “Can you see me?” He giggles all is better.
• Then, he does it again.
• Ok, now I’m a dope for leaving the bar of soap with him.
• I fix it again. Everything ok now?
• He.does.it.again.
• Now, I’m beginning to think I’m going to nominate myself for mother of the year.

Technorati Tags: mommy, BlogHer_06, potty, bathtime, dirty_jobs, wiggles, homecoming