Finding Joy in Snarkville

UPDATED: Because I often think of the best things to say AFTER the fact.

My great-grandmother once said that “there are just some stinkers in this world.” And my whole family has quoted her my whole life. In fact, between that and the other most popular quote I heard growing up, “Let it roll off like water off a duck’s back.” I think most sane people would guess that I had issues with bullies. And really I did.

My basic problem is two-fold. One, I’m exceedingly trusting. I want to see the good in everyone I met and I have no hidden agenda. (Mama and Daddy, stop screaming at the computer — I freely admit, I have been manipulative to get what I want, but I don’t have hidden agendas about people.) What I mean is, I don’t look to find out dirt on someone else only to hurt them later with it. The problem here is, though I may be in my 30’s, I still don’t get that there are people out there that do this. I don’t understand how tearing another person down makes you feel better. I don’t get it. Thus, I trust people far too much. I overshare and I get hurt.

My second problem is that once I’ve been bitten, I can not seem to let it go. I hurt, I cry, I ache, I beat myself up. I’m worse on myself, I think, than the orginal offense. Hence the “water off a duck’s back” comment.

Come to find out, I’m perfect bully prey. In fact, I think my photo is up on their clubhouse wall as the exact type of “chump” that bullies should come after. It doesn’t help that my favorite types of humor are often self-effacing, which adds to some people getting the mis-conception that my skin is thicker than it is. (Note: these people aren’t the stinkers/bullies, these are normal, well meaning people who don’t mean to hurt, but do because I give off this thicker skin aura.)

So, for the record people, let’s pull back the curtain and announce. The Queen has feelings. When scratched, she will bleed. She doesn’t like mean people — and has never said, “if you have nothing nice to say, sit by me.” She does not believe the world revolves around her and dislikes anyone who thinks it revolves around them. She believes everyone is due their special days and deserves a hug when they are down. She does not think she is exempt from this. She EXPECTS common curtesy from anyone who expects her to speak to them again. And here is the shocker, she does not feel that anyone is exempt from this view, no matter how long she’s known them, how related to her they may be.

It is simple, if you wish to be a part of my life, you must be nice. Play in the sandbox well with those around you. How, truly hard is this? Seems to be harder than I ever expected.

I’m not going into details (mostly because it would be too kind of me to give this bully any more fodder), though I will continue to deny the IP of stinkers (and while I realize the internet is a public place — I know that some stinkers will never stop to try to harass others). But let’s leave it as, I have stinkers in my life. I’ve matured since I was in grade school, when I’d cry in my mother’s arms over the mean girls. One thing I finally learned is that I can not allow stinkers to be a part of my life and can not let them make me run away.

A year ago, I let one bully/stinker run me out of a group of my friends.  I felt so violated; it is as close to robbed as I ever want to feel.  I felt that I could not live a public life ever again — in a way I became an online recluse. I hid for nearly a year. I licked my wounds and tried to regroup, but I was shaken all the way to my core. Only recently did I realize how much I was letting this bully win by running away.  This stinker seems to be on a yearly cycle and has resurfaced — probably more because as I have grown stronger, finding me on Google isn’t nearly as difficult — but still.  I’ve been cyber stalked by this one and it seems the bully/stinker has no desire to make nice; only to continue to hurt and hate. In this we differ most.  While I have no desire or will to have anything to do with them in my lifetime, I have not now, nor will I ever seek to actively attempt to hurt them — in the stalking, show up uninvited, being disruptive to another kind of way.  I will, however,  not run away this time. I may fight a little writer’s block (which I will get over and someday find my funny again), but this time — I am stronger. I may not be a duck yet with no water in my downy feathers. But I’m not afraid, in fact, I’m tired of hiding.

So, if you are my friends, if I think you are pretty, if I have licked you at a party, know that I hold you very dear. I am big on the value of friendship and will do all that is within my power to never hurt you; and forgive me if the last week has seemed like odd posts from me — I had to grow up a little more. If you are a stinker, even a stinker dressed as a “friend”, be put on notice, you will hurt me only once — and I hope I won’t be satisfing prey. I may still face bullies everyday, but I don’t have to run away.  If you are the bully/stinker who knows I’m refering to them, realize that your 15 minutes are up.  I frankly don’t care anymore and mostly just laugh at your current pathetic attempts to hurt or interude on us.  If reading this gives you the joy you need, then know I think your life is horribly empty.  However, I feel no pity for your current situation — enjoy the bed you made — this is ENTIRELY of your own doing.
(Now, why am I typing with my hand up in a fist singing, “We will overcome”?)

Thank you all, I feel better now.

This entry was posted on Saturday, August 12th, 2006 at 9:31 pm and is filed under Mental Health. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.