Join Me in Snarkville

I’m trying my best to ignore some of the e-mails from my mother’s club.  I try and I try and I try.  I keep MEANING to turn them off, but then I think about the four things *I* need to ask for and thus I do not.  And then I can’t stop looking.  I just can’t.

This may just be a character flaw, but there are about four people I get a sick thrill from reading their e-mails — much like slowing down to see an accident.  I know it seems like I pick on the whole group — but so many of these women are in fact, rather normal.  However, there are a few that posion the well and this causes me to become some horrible wreck watcher — slowing down the WHOLE highway as I marvel at twisted metal.

Alas, there is a new one on loose.  Yes, despite what you are going to think when you see this one — this mother is completely new to my “watch” list.  Start shaking your head now, it will warm you up.

I’m not the slightest bit optimistic that I’ll get a lead but some of you
seem very knowledgable about hair and it’s worth a shot. I am in desparate
need of a haircut. It’s so bad I actually have enough to donate to Locks
of Love and still keep a longish cut.

Let’s begin with that you don’t actually believe anyone in this group is going to be able to help you.  I must question your motives then for e-mailing the group.  It should be noted that recently there have been no less than FOUR different requests for various hair related items, everything from a good colorist to a cheap, good stylist.  Now, since several of the responses begin with “I’m a former hairstylist” I’m thinking it isn’t beyond reason to e-mail those three ladies privately.  However, I’m a cynic enough to think that this question is really more about the sympathy she’s looking for her issues than her actual question.

I need a hairdresser who is very experienced with thick, coarse, wavy hair. I’ve had too many bad haircuts in my life from people who “can cut any hair.”

I get it.  You have “special hair.”  Here’s the thing, I’m well aware of “special hair.”  I happen to think we all have it — though, I’m not one for dissing someone who is looking to find a stylist who specializes in *HER* kind of special.  Her kind of crazy, may be something else indeedy.

That’s the easy part. The hard part is I need someone who is willing to come to my house, meet me in the park, or cut my hair in a safe-for-me location. The hairdresser must be someone who does not wear any perfume, hairspray, or fabric softener (true essential oils are okay).

I absolutely can not be in the same building with hairspray residue that is less than 12-24 hours old. I can not be near anyone who has applied it on their hair since washing it last. I can not be in any room or adjoining room used to do nails.

Um, excuse me?  You can’t what?  You can not be near ANYONE who “has applied it [persumably, hairspray] since washing it last.”  Ok, I’m not one who goes all crazy and sprays my hair BEFORE washing it.  But I’m required to ask, how do you grocery shop? Go to the mall?  Do you leave your house?  Do you ask your mail carrier not to wear hairspray?  Is there anyone out there other than me who is dying to see what happens?

Ok, here’s what I know.  I know that once I sat near a woman in a theater with gardinia perfume to the point I had a serious headache (as did the Queen Mum) by the end of the show.  The smell of that flower since brings flashbacks to that theater.  However, I never avoided people who wear it.  I do not use fabric softener.  I believe I have some type of allergy to it, so I stopped using it years ago.  I have never (NEVER) asked any of my friends to not use it around me.  However, I freely admit that I can smell it more now than I could when I was a “user.”  I may or may not sneeze a little when I smell it.  My nose gets irrated by both large amounts of hairspray and the stuff they put on nails.  My eyes may water a little.  Now, do I want to believe that this woman blows these types of reactions out of proportion to declare that she needs a “safe for me” location to get a haircut?  You bet cha. I’m nothing if not a wee bit judgemental about this.  I’m pretty certain that if you can’t be near someone who has washed their clothes in fabric softener or used hairspray you need to either get out more (and become sensitized like the rest of humanity) or buy yourself a bubble.

I want to be very clear here.  I see a real distinction between real allergies and the “I can’t live around humans” thing.  Allergies suck.  And those who suffer feel like crap.  However, those I know the best who feel like crap the most when an allergy attack hits are also not likely to hide indoors in hopes of avoiding it.  I happen to have an “unknown” food allergy, for which I carry an Epi-Pen.  Trust me, it is fun to not know what can cause an attack. (It is currently believed that it is an additive, but without more attacks to narrow it down, it is unknown.  It is hard to pin down adult onset food allergies, so I was given an Epi-Pen and the advice of “eat slowly and go to the hospital if it happens again.”)  It makes eating an adventure.  However, I assure you that my reaction to this news was neither “I’ll cook all my own food.” NOR “I will stop eating.”  See, we live.  We go out and deal with it. I don’t go asking my club to find me a chef who will come to my house and make me dinner with only foods I KNOW are safe (though frankly the food I ate was “safe” until I reacted).  However, the personal chef sounds nice.  How about I just put that on my birthday list for next year, ok?