Join Me in Snarkville

When I was a little girl, I told my mother that I wanted to be a Policewoman.  (Perhaps this began the obsession I have with crime shows on TV, but I think it has more to do with my early indoc to Quincy as a wee one.)  The Queen Mum, being a rather wise sole, asked me why.  I believe I told her because I wanted to get rid of all the bad people in the world.

I got to thinking about this .grand plan I had at the wise age of 4 or 5 this week.  You know, I think I can declare that with this blog I’m helping all the “bad” people that affect my life.  Now my you, I’m out there sending anyone to prison, but instead I’ve made it my mission to write open letters to those people (and things) that annoy me.  It is my hope that one of those people may someday read my open letter and be better for it (See I snark for the greater good).  Until then, here’s hoping it is at least worth a giggle.

Without further ado, I bring you Open Letter Friday.

Dear Lady at the Metal Detector:

I know the events of the last few years may have escaped you (based solely on your style of dress that oh, stopped in the mid-70’s), but you presented yourself to the Princess Cruise Lines travel seminar as a travel professional.  I’m sure you speak to clients all the time about getting through security.  Perhaps you need a checklist to help you.

1. Never wear those HUGE metal bracelets again.  In fact, one of them was wrong, ut three pushed the limits of wrong. (People, these things were bangles at least an 2 inches wide.  She wore THREE on the same wrist)
2. Never wear that monstrosity you called a watch again.  It was the size of one of the bangle bracelets giving you the look of wearing Wonder Woman wristlets.
3. Never carry that “purse” again.  I am a mother of a 3 year old.  I am capable of carrying everything I need to meet my and his needs in a bag that in no way resemebles lugguge.
4. Um, do we need to really mention the kitchen shears you had IN the luggage?  Just answer me why?

And finally, in the future, when some one needs to get up and go potty — getting out of their way is often appreciated.  In fact, moving your luggage into the one place I could have  put my foot = not helpful at all….but thanks.

Yours,

The Queen

Dear ALL Bra Manufacturers,

While I appreciate your mission of containing the breasts of the world, I think you may need a tape measure.  In fact, if you send me your address, I’ll be happy to personally provide the entire bra manufacturing industry with tape measures.  However, you must pinky swear to use them.

Allow me to explain how this SHOULD work.  I SHOULD be able to go into a store and pick up a few style of a bra in the same size — the size *I* know will fit me, because I can USE a tape measure.  I SHOULD be able to try them on and choose which one is pretty, feels good, and enhances what I want enhanced.  Right?  What SHOULD NOT happen is that I take 25 bras into a dressing room and try all of them on to find that not one of you can measure properly.

Here’s the deal, you should not letter your bras to make small busted women “feel” better.  Trust me that know they have a small bust, they are ok with it, they TOO want a bra that fits.  You should not, by doing the former, make large busted women have to search for their bras in the “granny” bra section — (and for the record I’m talking women with C and D cups — not the triple I’s).  You need to get over this idea that all women what push-up, deep plunge — what nots.  HELLO.  At somepoint you just want to contain them.  And while I’m talking about the push-up thing, the bust line has NO business being in anyone’s chin.  And another thing — if you feel the need to make an “Add-a-Size” bra in a D-cup — you might want to make sure that the cup part can contain a whole D OR I don’t know, perhaps you might want to consider not putting gel inserts into it — because HELLO!!!

And finally, if you really wanted to corner the bra market, I have two suggestions.  One, label your bras better with who they would be for and what they might do for you.  For example, label the push-up/add-a-size bra: “If you need a chin rest instead of a bust line.”  For the deep plunge bra: “For those who LIKE the double boob look” and finally, for the “granny” bra: “For those who have given up that a bra can both fit and look good.”  Secondly and much more seriously, offer a custom bra program.  Let me send you my measurements, choose from a few styles, and make me one that will fit me.

Yours,

The Queen

Dear Cats of Snarkville:
Living here in Snarkville is a privledge, not a right.  You have fresh water, you are fed daily various yummy foods, you have toys, and you have a dog to torure.  This should be enough for you.  I am going to warn you now, failure to understand my next point may result in your kitty butt out in the cold harsh “real” world.

Do NOT ever steal yarn again.  No, I don’t find it cute to find a yarn ball at the top of the steps.  I did not delight in having to search the house for the three other balls that I couldn’t find.  And I absolutely am not looking forward to having to sort through the tangle mess you made.

Just remember *I* control your kibble, I water you, I even clean your boxes (on occasion).  My yarn is NOT your playthings.  Stay away.  And yes, I know which one of you it was with your telltale yarn fuzz on your nose.  But your “friends” will either hang you ou to dry or encourage you to behave.

Yours,

The Queen