Join Me in Snarkville

As you may remember, I used to work. Um, let me rephrase to something that will not give Prince a heart attack.  I used to work for OTHER people.  In fact I had quite a few jobs back in the day.  You know, when I was young and not old and decrepit like I am now.  In fact, some of those various jobs had REALLY bad vacation schedules and worse pocilies around time off.

Now, you have to know that I’m a FIRM believer in time off.  Heck, I ran away from the real world to begin my own business all about helping people with their time off.  I am a fan.  I believe that Americans do not take enough time off for themselves in a given year; I think this leads to more stress; more therapy; and more over eating.  I’ve even been known to have a metal health day or four in my life.

Fun sidenote/backstory:  When I was in 10th grade, my mother and I played hooky from school to see a movie.  To this day I can not remember what the movie was, though the thought that it might have been “Hunt for Red October” seems possible.  Anyway, the point of this sidenote was to say that my mother told me I could play hooky once every 10 years.  Sorry, Mum, I think I’ve done it a little more often — but I’ve felt REALLY guilty about it.

So, before we send the Queen Mum into a wonderment about the work ethic she instilled in me, let’s move on.  Yesterday morning, I heard on the news (in my semi-awake state) that there is a trend of Americans to call in for ‘Mental Health’ days.  There were fancy numbers and theories — but can we sum it up as it was newsworthy and I hadn’t had my coffee yet, thus I can not be expected to know the details?  That very same day, Prince came home telling tells of a personnel issue that is seriously one for the award books for exactly the same thing.  Since, his story is his to tell — should he feel he can; I will not relate it here.  However, in the interest of public service, I thought I would share some excuses and tips on how not to call into work when you are not in fact sick.

1. NEVER claim a family member is dead.  First, this is traceable, and typically caring offices will want to send flowers or something so they WILL trace it.  Added reason:  you can not possibly make-up enough relatives and then kill them off without deciding to quit your job and become a horror novel writer — I’m sure that’s how Stephen King got his start, right?
2. NEVER make up any illness that would require a hospital stay.  Seriously, if you need a few days off in a row, the FLU is an excellant choice — the removal of your appendix is NOT.  Someone will want to see the scar, I’m sure.  In addition, we go back to the flowers thing again.
3. NEVER admit you really need a mental health day.  Afterall, the thought of actual honesty is not allowed.  Once you declare you need a mental health day, you are basically declaring that you are one therapist session away from the SERIOUS drugs and will no longer be working because “it is too stressful for Johnny to wake up and meet the demands of a schedule.”
4. NEVER use your pets’ health as a reason to call in.  First, employers are heartless, non-petloving creatures and they do not care if Fluffy had her first hairball (not to mention that if I were your boss and knowing my personal relationship with hairballs — I would tell you to put on your big girl/boy Wellies and get your butt to work — because I’m a heartless boss too).  Secondly, while it is commonly accepted that kids make a GREAT excuse not to come to work, pets do not.  This excuse works far less if you have both kids and pets, FWIW.
5. NEVER use a house issue as your excuse.  Oh, sure you can use a well timed black out to excuse coming in a little late — after all you alarm clock is flashing 12:00 and there is no way that given your own resources you’d wake before noon.  However, don’t call in to say you have to paint/watch the painter/get carpet or whatnot.  You are going to have to trust me on this one, I know this from personal experience.  It doesn’t go over well.  However, offering to work from home will watching the painter does seem to work better.
6. Use the kids with caution.  First, if your kids use a daycare on the grounds that you work OR go to school with your boss’s kids, this will never work.  Unless you believe that your mental health days should include chasing the kids, breaking up fights, and saving socks from robots; then by all means tell work your kid is sick and keep them home with you.  However, if you need this ’sick day’ to do much needed Christmas shopping — um, find another excuse.
7. Finally, telling the office that your wife might beat you up if you don’t come home right this minute — is NEVER a good idea.  Seriously, dude,  you need some help.

Not that any of YOU would need to call in for a ‘Mental Health’ day, but I thought you might like to know how not to do it.  Might I also suggest not using any of these excuses to go home early.  Speaking of Mental Health days — who do I call for one?  There’s a serious problem with this “be your own boss” thing!