Open Letter to Santa
(alternate title: Reason why the Queen is not smart #1,043)
Dear Santa:
I’ve been a very good Queen this year. I’ve tried to keep a good home, raise a good child, and do good to others. I’ve begun this very blog in a partial effort to make others feel better about themselves by comparison. I have a happy child who is looking forward to your visit late on Christmas Eve. We have even made cookies for you — with sprinkles.
So, now that we have determined that my name should be on your “Nice” list, here’s what I want for Christmas:
- a pony. (Sorry, I’m kidding — but doesn’t every girl want a pony and ask Santa for one?)
- a robot. (hmm, is Prince one of your elves?)
- a camcorder.
- a personal chef — one who will also be willing to even come to my house a nuke my food and do the dishes.
- a maid.
- a personal assistant.
Thank you in advance for all of the above, as I just know that I’ve been good enough to warrant all of these things to be brought down the chiminey to me. In exchange, I’ll be happy to help book your vacation cruise (I’m sure you could use time off after so my Christmas Eve travel.)
Now, before I leave you, I think I need to report one of your Mall elves. You see, today (yes, I know I’m not bright and took my son to see your mall rep on the last weekday before Christmas — sue me), the line was wrapped around and around — I estimate 20 adults, 50 children, 100 strollers, and then there was ‘Santa’ and ONE elf. Now, you had a MIA elf, but this poor elf was trying to do photos AND the register. The line did NOT move. (I should put in a special plea that my son deserves an extra stocking for being so good for TWO.AND.A.HALF hours in line. The delay was one partly because of the missing elf — the retakes to get the PERFECT shot (up to 10 per mother, PLEASE) took WAY too much time due to the slow nature of two people working. However, about 12:30pm, ‘Santa’ peeks around the corner and says, “I won’t be getting to you until 2pm, because I am going to lunch.” WHAT THE???
Well, one mommy behind us in line yelled “But we’ve been in line for TWO HOURS!!” “Don’t yell at Santa.” Now, the Mommy machine (I like to call the MOM-fia) went into motion. Cell phones were used to call mall management; mothers were deployed to get the details (we first find out that he will push through as many as he can before 1pm when he will go on break); and finally, a select group of mothers (read the really HOT under the collar ones) found security. Now, granted they did threaten to cause a riot if everyone in line didn’t get to see Santa BEFORE his break. There was a meeting, mothers ‘explained’ and management agreed ‘Santa’ would stay.
So, before I close my letter, I want to add to my wish list — next year when I take Duke to see your mall elf before Thanksgiving (to avoid the line), can you PLEASE promise me that all the elves will show up on time. Also, can you give me a special pixie dust to make Duke not have his one and only meltdown on Santa’s knee of the entire 3 hour ordeal?
Any help you can give (plus the additional presents) will be greatly appreciated.
Yours,
The Queen