Join Me in Snarkville

This post, is, TOTALLY, like a flashback.

Ahem, please forgive me.

I am obsessed with hair products. No, not my hair, just the products. I’ve been convinced my whole life (ok, mostly since my teen years forward) that there is a wonder tonic out there that will tame my tresses without making them flat and lifeless. You see, I’m blessed with “problem” hair.

If at first we ignore the major amounts of grey, and really who could? You will
see that I have thick, wavy hair. Doesn’t that sound divine? Doesn’t that sound like I’m a total dork for thinking my hair is anything less than wonderful? Who am I to complain about having thick, wavy hair? Well, under the heading of you always want what you don’t have, I do, can, and will complain about my hair. Here’s its chief problem — it is non-committal hair. It is neither curly nor straight. When short it is so thick that it becomes “BIG hair” with no work whatsoever. When long, it no longer appears thick because it is NOT the kind of hair that stays nice and full with any sort of weight to it. I’m thus left with the choices of odd curlettes sticking out in random spots AND BIG hair. Lovely. Let me tell you that the look my hair does best went out in the 80’s and it is something that apparently will not be coming back. (Of course to prove that I’m nothing if not late to a trend, I didn’t figure out that my hair was perfect for the 80’s until well into the 90’s. I’m so cool like that.)

Anyway, back to my obsession with hair products. Pretty much if it is on the market and it promises to control my locks I have tried it. I wander the aisles of Target hoping that one of the bottles will jump off the shelf and say, “I’m your miracle tonic.” Then when I get done screaming that a bottle just spoke to me, I will put it in my hair and poof, I’ll have PERFECT hair. Ah. That is one of my deepest desires.

Baring the speaking bottle I keep trying new things. I’ve tried the gels for curly hair; I’ve tried serums for straight hair; I’ve done the light gels, the heavy gels, even WAX, people — I’ve put WAX in my hair in an attempt for decent hair. Alas, nothing, nada. I’ve tried hairspray, no hairspray, different shampoos, different conditioners. I’ve tried more haircuts than I can count. Is it too much to ask that I want an easy to do style that neither makes my hair look like I’m primping for the latest beauty pageant circuit in Texas, it so short I could be confused with a boy, and perhaps one that doesn’t take a degree in cosmetology to do every morning. As a bonus, it would be nice if was fun, trendy, and didn’t have to be washed every morning.

This all brings me back to the aisle in Target. After running out of hairspray, I thought, yet again (hope springs eternal) to try something new. I wandered the aisle and looked at all the pretty bottles and all the ugly prices. I was reaching for the “It’s as good as anything else” bottle of White Rain and thinking maybe some Suave instead, you know to be daring. When I was sucked into the purple bottle. Oh my, people I didn’t know they sold this stuff — anyone else remember Aussie?

Oh yes, admit it, if you teased your bangs in the 80’s you know this stuff. It combined with the smell of Drakr Noir was THE smell of my high school hallways. We all used all the products in the line, I still can remember the feel of the shampoo and conditioner. And I saw it, my perfect hairspray from my youth. The one that had held my bangs up high and had given me the big hair I needed. Oh, and also held those scrunched, pseudo curls in place. Oh, yes, I’m TOTALLY talking about Aussie Scrunch Spray.

So, I bought it, wondering for a moment if this officially meant I’d tried everything, but why not. Alas, I stalled for a few days til this morning, I needed to hold my bangs out of my nose and low and behold out came the 80’s Flashback hairspray. It smells the same — EXACTLY the same. I’ve been transported via my nose to the awkward time of my youth when “gag me with a spoon” was in fact charming speak and alas, I have realized I’m still awkward.

Wonder if I can get Prince to wear a Drakr Noir to complete this smelly flashback.