Finding Joy in Snarkville

In case you are EVER in this situation, allow me to share with you the basics of potty repair.

1. Short of cracking the tank or the bowl, you do NOT need to worry that the potty can not be repaired or will have to be replaced.  (This is important when the handle comes off in your mate’s hand and your understanding response is “I hope it can be fixed.”)
2. The actual mechanics of a potty are REALLY simple, and do not be shocked to find out that it may be held together with plastic and something that looks like a paperclip.
3. Now, time for the actual steps in fixing the toilet.
   1. Have handle snap off in your hand.
   2. Cuss.
   3. When you are done staring at the handle (and by staring, I totally mean trying to prop it back up on the side of the tank so that you can blame the next person), put it down and lift the lid of the tank.
   4. Now, take stock of what you have — ideally, you will know what the parts are named (though frankly I know the ‘flapper’ and the ‘little thingie that just broke off in my hand.’)
   5. Try to locate the BROKEN item.
   6. HINT: it will probably at the bottom of that VERY cold vat of water — because Newton’s 4th Law of Broken Things is “They do NOT float”
   7. Decide you need to make a trip to the Home Improvement store.  Think briefly how much you prefer the  Brits who call it the “DIY store”
   8. Put off driving to the store until you have your coffee.
   9. Feel the call of nature.
   10. Remember about the brokenness of said potty AFTER you have used it.
   11. Stick hand in freezing, cold water to “manually” flush.
   12. Decide you WILL go to the store in next half an hour.
   13. Get involved with something for work and forget AGAIN.
   14. Three hours later, dress and head off to the store.
   15. NOTE: under no circumstances are you to either bring the broken item with you or even examine it closely enough to know what you are looking for.
   16. Get to DIY Store and search for “toilet repair”  which I will have you know (so it won’t take you as long) is located in the very back corner as far away from where ever you are right now as possible.  It is also likely to be hiding on a bottom shelf and may or may not be hiding behind one of those un-movable portable ladders.
   17. Realize when you do find the proper section, that there are no fewer than 19 different possible replacement items to pick from.
   18. Look around for help and also realize that this part of toilet repair is not on any employee’s map of the store and thus you will not be seen for hours.
   19. Notice WIDE price swings and decide that since this is Frankenhouse, they probably installed the cheapest thing possible.
   20. Hold one item that you think you might remember may look similar to what you saw was broken those 4 times you had to “manually flush”
   21. Put it down in favor of a cheaper model that had the words “Universal Fit” on it.
   22. Walk the 9 miles to the front “SELF Checkout”
   23. Realize that you have NO cash whatsoever and you are about to put $1.59 item on your debit card.
   24. Have the item actually ring up at $3.55.
   25. Decide that they can have the $2, because now you HAVE to go home and fix the toilet already.
   26. Get home and head off to do the actual repair.
   27. Just before you pop open the bag with the “Universal Fit” repair kit, notice that the kit doesn’t look like that part that was broken.
   28. All Stop.
   29. Get a call that your mate and child are coming home.
   30. Declare that we MUST return the part to buy THE.PART.YOU.HAD.IN.YOUR.HAND.
   31. Do the return, with the whole family in tow.
   32. Purchase the part that matches the broken one for an additional $2.
   33. Realize when you are back at the Self Checkout that you still have NO cash, but you have a mate with money.
   34. Go to dinner and then bowling.
   35. Get home at 8pm.
   36. Have mate put the child to bed while you fix the potty.
   37. Have deep conversation with the child while tightening bolts and installing a whole new handle and flusher arm.
   38. Spend the next 24 hours trying to get your mate to praise your “mad skills” at home repair.
   39. Blog about it.

Oh, yes, now you are fully prepped in the art of repair.  Go forth and fix the toilets in your home.

This entry was posted on Saturday, April 7th, 2007 at 3:11 pm and is filed under Frankenhouse. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.