Join Me in Snarkville

I always wonder about people’s reactions to this date.  When I was Young and Dumb (Y&D), I worked with a guy with a real phobia about this date. (Seriously, I really think it was an excuse to stay home and do nothing, as opposed to coming into the office to do nothing.)

If anything icky happenes today, it will be blamed on the date on the calendar instead of the true reality that all the cosmic forces hate you and are finally working together to smite you.  (oh, yes, I said smite.)

I don’t do well with the whole idea that the calendar is conspiring against me.  I think I’m completely capable of screwing up all by myself.

As an example, I give you the fact that in my blurry eyed attempt to dress my child this morning, I put on pants that were so small they ended at his knees (and no — though I thought about it — I could not claim they were shorts).  However, when I suggested, “Oh, buddy, those pants are too short, we need to get you new pants.”  My son, darling child, took one look at me and said, “but, Mama, these pants *YOU* gave me.”  — Um, yes, sweetie, I gave them to you — I also gave you those really cute newborn onesies, but you insisted on growing out of those too!

Yep, totally because of Friday the 13th — I’m going to run off in search of a black cat.

I went out like I went in.  I know all of you are looking for the bowling update, so, it is simple.  We played the best team on the league last night and did very well.  Out of the total possible 3 points I could have picked up, I walked out with 1.5 (as a team we kicked butt — and I helped).  I’m not upset, my first two games were awesome, then as suddenly as it all began, I stopped having fun, I stopped laughing and my game fell apart.  There’s a joke at the alley that when the Prince excels, I do not and this is exactly what happened.  He’s ok with it, and I’m ok with it — but I think we may need to be different teams next year. (more…)

Wow, I can’t believe that it is really over. (And Shh, don’t tell Prince, but I think I might miss it.)   Tonight, yep, folks, tonight, is my last ever bowling league night of the season.  It is truly my swan song.

Now, the question remains if I’ll bowl in a league again, and the answer is probably yes.  Though, I’d really like to bowl better, I’m thrilled to be leaving this season with an average that is 15 pins over my entry average.  To me that is a great improvement.

Prince is in the running for a points award and I will probably end the season with a pin and a patch from my accomplishments (one for my high series and one for a high game).  All and all, it has been a good season.

Here’s the life lessons I think I have learned at bowling night:

• Hurry up, we are paying too much for babysitting.
• Never have a fight with the spouse then try to bowl.
• Relax and have fun — I can not bowl well, if I’m not smiling.
• Even if bowling 40 pins over his average, Prince will ALWAYS declare he is doing poorly.  This is a fact I’ve tried to fix too many times, causing the fights — now I’m choosing to accept it — and more importantly ignore it.
• If you are hungry, ask the kitchen if pizza or burgers will come out first.  Shockingly, they know the right answer and are willing to help.
• If the bar lady says you must have a wrist band for a pitcher of water,  you must have a wrist band for a pitcher of water — it is too much energy wasted to argue the non-alcoholic nature of the water and the hair-pulling nature of the wrist band.
• Knitting and bowling don’t mix as well as one might hope.  And for the record, I’m over hearing “Less yarn, more bowling.”
• And finally, the math geek in me really digs the physics of all of this.

Yes, I’ve had a good season.  I’m sad that it is coming to an end, but it is time for me to do other things, like SeaSocks and have a summer and more travel…oh, my.

So, I plan to clean the bowling balls today, have a good game, and celebrate the successful end to my very first league season.

Last night, I settled into my recliner with my knitting in my lap (because apparently I’m a beer drinking, white guy, who is also a yarn loving granny — oh, yes, I’m hot), to watch that new show “Thank God Your Here”

Ok, so I giggled several times.  This show screams potential, reality TV with ACTORS!! Both Prince and I feared that the hype before the show was too great for this show to be much of anything, and I hate to say it, we think it was far funnier than the overdone hype would have projected.  However, that doesn’t change that it still felt a bit like a 70’s style variety show.

But I have a few thoughts for you, since we all know that Dave Foley reads my blog and will take these notes to heart. (more…)

Ok, so I’m a wee bit DOWN on the Easter Bunny this year.  And I have a very good reason — 6 straight hours of the TALKING.

This was the first Easter that Duke ate his candy.  Let’s review,

• Easter 1: Duke was given plastic eggs with Cheerios inside.  He played with the eggs and ignored the Cheerios.
• Easter 2: Duke was given the same plastic eggs with a combination of Cheerios and fruit snacks inside.  He ate the fruit snacks and ignored the Cheerios.
• Easter 3: Photos here.  Duke LOVED the eggs of Matchbox cars, totally ignored his candy.

(more…)

In case you are EVER in this situation, allow me to share with you the basics of potty repair.

1. Short of cracking the tank or the bowl, you do NOT need to worry that the potty can not be repaired or will have to be replaced.  (This is important when the handle comes off in your mate’s hand and your understanding response is “I hope it can be fixed.”)
2. The actual mechanics of a potty are REALLY simple, and do not be shocked to find out that it may be held together with plastic and something that looks like a paperclip. (more…)

May no else’s morning begin like this:

1. Wake-up in total denial that it is morning.
2. Slowly pry your eyeballs open while wondering if it would be possible to stay in bed all day.
3. Curse the fact that the TV and the lights are on.
4. Feel the call of nature and decide that is the ONLY reason you will get out of bed and you are COMING.RIGHT.BACK.
5. Sit and do your thing.
6. Reach to touch the shiny silver handle.
7. Push down and feel something snap.
8. Realize that the handle isn’t magically popping back up like it is supposed to.
9. Curse.
10. Stare at husband blankly.
11. Realize that your day will involve you going to Lowe’s and talking to someone in the plumbing department.

I’d drink more coffee, but I fear it may compound my problem.

Open Letter to the World:

Not everyone on this planet has a nickname.  I know this comes at a great shock to you, but it is true.  In fact, those who do have a nickname, may not use the one YOU think they use.  For example, not all Elizabeths are “Beth”, not all Roberts are “Bob”, not all Johns are “Jack” (don’t even get me started on that odd nickname choice).

Because of this simple fact, it is RUDE to assume (let’s all go back to junior high and remember what happens when you assume) that someone has a nickname and what nickname they might use.  It is NOT rude for the owner of the name to correct you, EVER.  Under no circustances is telling someone that your prefered name is NOT what they called you RUDE.

Given my second point, it is not permissible for you, the offensive nicknamer, to be offended when I, the person you called by the wrong name, correct you with some level of politeness.  Get over yourself, say you are sorry, and try to remember this lesson when you meet the next person with a name you THINK might need to be shortened.

Yours,

The Queen (most assuredly, NOT ‘Queeny’) (more…)

Tomorrow will mark the second time I blog on April 4th — making this the last blog post of my first full year of blogging.  In that year, I’ve only posted 280ish posts, and I promise to do better next time — maybe. Face it, for me it is the single londest diary project I’ve ever mustered.

But the reality is that this has been an amazing year of blogging for me.  I never went into this to find myself, to process through anything, to even keep some online journal (because I’ve been an utter failure at keeping any sort of offline journal), no, I had no higher reason to blog.  I blogged (and still do) because I’m self centered and the world does (as it should) revolve around me.  It doesn’t?  Hmmm, how odd.

No, the truth is when I went to BlogHer last year, I heard more times than I can count about the purpose of one’s blog or the subject matter of someone else’s.  I listened to person after person declare the category her blog belongs and that it is *THAT* category that elvates blogging to a higher level.  I declared it all to be crap and moved along.

Seriously, I don’t believe that blogging will move mountains.  I don’t believe that we can change the world with our online journals.  In fact I will go so far as to say, I stop reading any blog once they try to sway me to their social-political view of the world — even if I may agree with it.  I don’t read blogs for that stuff — frankly I have enough pundits out there screaming at me in sound bites that I don’t have room for any more.

What I do like about the blogs I read is that it confirms my inner belief that we are not alone.  That there is someone else out there who goes through what I go through; that thinks similar things to what I think.  Maybe this is most key in the mommy world, where all mommyhood is competitive and oh, so often we want to scream, “STOP, I wanna get off this horrible rollar coaster where Johnny is smarter and better behaved and perfect and …”  But in life, I’m thrilled to read that other women have issues with housework, other knitters have problems with UFOs (unfinished objects), and other mommies are well, human and don’t have perfect kids.

So in looking back over the past year, I have to say that I’ve learned the actual reason I blog.  Yes, it took me a year; yes, I can be slow like that — but look folks, this started because someone told me to and I could free entry to BlogHer, so cut me some slack.

Da-da-DUM!!

I blog because it is all about me, my connections with other smart, witty wonderful people out there who share my desire to both conquer the world and go back to bed until the coffee is done at the same time.  I blog because I don’t see and talk to many adults on a daily basis and thus I have lots of wit that it attempting to ooze out of me — not that it always shows here, but hey, I try.  I blog because if one other person reads what I have to say and can say, “Oh, my — I thought I was alone in this,” then I will have given back what reading blogs has given me.

For future reference, when putting away full half gallons of milk in the fridge, do not get distracted and whatever you do, DO.NOT.DROP.THE MILK!!

Not that I did this today or anything, but I’m just saying that when a full half gallon of milk falls onto a shelf in an open fridge and bounces onto the hardwood floor, it WILL explode.  It will shoot milk to the underside of all the shelves, all the drawers, all over the floor, all over the person who dropped the milk, all over the dog,  and perhaps, just perhaps, all over the ceiling.

Oh, and a final note, the appropriate reaction to milk coating just about every surface in the kitchen is NOT to fall on your butt and laugh and wonder how you will write about it in your blog.  It would be better if you call the dog over to help with the clean up.