Finding Joy in Snarkville

A return to the time honored tradition of writing my open letters to people who are in need of knowing:

Dear Steve Jobs and the rest of Apple Top Execs;

I want you to know I believe you make a superior product. I believe in the ease of use, the stylish design, and oh, the sheer fact that my apple products seem to just work — straight out of the box. Now, while I’ve had a long held belief that just as I decide to purchase an Apple product it is almost a certainty that you will release the newest, latest, greatest item within 1 month, I’ve tried not to see anything personal in this. I realize that business is about moving forward and thus new products must be launched and perhaps I’m either a little early OR a lot late in my purchasing. I’m trying to get better, promise.

However, today, yes, sir, today, you and your entire company has disappointed me. You see, my kind, sweet, darling FedEx guy brought me my recently purchased MacBook Pro yesterday at 3pm. Oh how thrilled I was to have new Apple goodness at my door! I opened the shiny box. I pushed the silver power button. I saw the little Apple appear. By the end of the night, I noticed that my Apple may have a ‘worm’ in it.

Thinking fast, I did some basic troubleshooting this morning. I figured out that it was dropping the Internet connection for reasons only it knew and it was just shutting down for no reason and without recourse. Hmm, I thought maybe it sat too close to a Windows machine and had picked up the Blue Screen of Death. So, I did what any Apple lover would do, I made the first available appointment with the Genius Bar. This is where my love for you and all things Apple became rotten to the core.

Ahem, Mr. Jobs, Customer Service should not be dead. Yes, you make products that 9 times out of 10 work without any problems at all — but that 1 time, that 1 time, you should NOT make it harder on the customer to fix it nor should you try to make her feel a fool. First, my router at home is NOT causing my McBook Pro to shut down for no reason. My router at home has no problems with the other Macs in the house and even to suggest it is insulting. Second, retailers everywhere are learning that online and brick &mortar stores should be seamless — In that I should be able to buy online and return in the stores without question or concern. I should never, no not ever, hear “You bought this online, we can not help you.” Oh my — that’s a great way to discourage a customer from returning.

Second, phone support people should be able to be understood on the phone. They should have a working knowledge of hold buttons and how NOT to disconnect anyone from the line during a conversation. When someone asks for a supervisor, they should be put on the line without delay or being hung up on. Ahem, why is that so hard, really?

Finally, I should not have to wait for 3 weeks to have a problem caused by a problem with the laptop to be fixed and a new laptop brought to my doorstep. Since I believe that I should have been able to bring this into the store and return it, I find this delay highly annoying. I find it even worse that I won’t have the joy of walking the laptop back into the store who was SO rude to me and shoving it down their little throats. Alas.

So, since I must go without the joy of returning rudeness with rudeness to your store folks, I’m going to be forced to submit a bill for my inconvenience.

Expenses caused by defected MacBook Pro and POOR customer service:

Diagnosing problem = 30 minutes @ $45/hr = $22.50

Miles to Store = 50 miles @ $3.05/gallon = $6.10

Time waiting in store despite appt. = 15 minutes @ $45/hr = $11.25

Surcharge for surly employees = $45.00

Phone Call #1 = hold time = 25 minutes; talk time 5 minutes =  $22.50

Hang up surcharge = $45

Phone Call #2 = 60 minutes/4 employees/hold time total less than 5 minutes = $45

Repacking defective computer in original packaging = $25

Total Invoice: $222.35

Payable to the Queen OR I’ll take an iPhone with plan in exchange and I’ll speak well of you and your company again.

Perhaps not Yours anymore,

The Queen

This entry was posted on Friday, July 6th, 2007 at 1:38 pm and is filed under The Queen. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.