Finding Joy in Snarkville

Dear Snarkville Cats,

I realize that you outnumber the humans in this house, but we need to sit down and get some rules that shall be followed from this point forward.  Failure to follow my simple rules will result in the removable of all kibble and perhaps your fur coated body from my presence instantly.  Remember that despite what your feline brain tells you, you indeed live here at my whim and I do not exist to merely serve you.

1.  There is NO appropriate time for you to lay across my neck.  No, not even then. Or then.  In fact, if I’m horizontal, you are absolutely NOT to lay across my neck and PURR loudly.
2. My toes, under my blankets, are attached to me and are not in fact devious mice like creatures that must be hunted and pounced on at anytime, most especially at 3am.
3. When I have a laptop in my lap, this is NOT the time to decide I’m lonely and need your company.  I do not wish to have you standing on my lap between me and my laptop.  In addition, when you do find the appropriate times to come to my lap, kindly take a seat and do not stand there with 14 billion times your body weight pushing down on all four of your paws at once.
4. If I put you out of my lap, this is not a game in which I’m asking you to keep coming back.  I put you on the floor for a reason (most likely to grab my laptop again) and I don’t want you to return just yet.
5. Feeding time in at 10pm at night.  Not at 3, 4, or even 5am.  No, I’m not getting out of bed because you are pawing at me for an hour in the early am.  If another cat in this house ate your food, learn from it and eat when the food is put down.
6. If my hands are outside of my blanket, this is not an invitation for me to pet you.  No, not even if you are kind enough to push, forcefully, your head under my hand.  If I am asleep, I do not wish to be woken up to your attempts to STEAL petting from me while I sleep.
7. Speaking of sleeping, when I’m on my stomach, my lower back is NOT a bathing location.  EVER.  You are not to crawl up and sit/lay/lounge in the small of my back and bathe LOUDLY.
8. You are also not to grump when I roll over to get you out of the small of my back.
9. You are NOT to puke on my bed.  ’nuff said.
10. Duke wants to play with you and he has learned to be gentle.  Please forgive him past tail pulling and get over it already.  The looks of “when is this thing going away” don’t work on me and I will be happy to hold you down for some 4 year old to pet you.
11. I know your schedules during the day is tough — what with the sleeping, puking and shedding thing needed to be done.  Please do us all a favor and pick up after yourself.  After you move my shoes around because you MUST put your face in them, could you put them back where you found them.  After you play for hours with some random lego piece/marble/Duke toy, please return it to his room where he can step on it and not me.  I’d be happier if you’d clean up the puke and the hair bunnies — but alas, I know when I’m asking for the moon.

Finally, this is *MY*  house and I let you live here.  Should you wish to continue to enjoy my good graces, you need to follow my rules to the letter.  I shall post them for your review at each of the litter boxes, as I know you’d prefer to have something to read as opposed to that pesky covering thing.  (Speaking of which, whichever one of you spends more than 4 minutes covering your work, please use the downstairs box so i don’t hear it at 2am.)

Yours,

The Management

This entry was posted on Thursday, April 24th, 2008 at 11:23 am and is filed under A hairball - nobody touch it. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.