My dog is SO dumb…
Wednesday, March 10th, 2010I wish this was truly the beginning of a series of stupid dog jokes, but sadly, I really do live with the dumbest dog alive.
Have you read Marley & Me or seen the movie? You know how Marley was ‘Clearance Puppy’ — well, my cocker spaniel was on sale, and it shows. Truly he was bred to be a Christmas puppy, but by February he was a full on teenaged puppy and not as cute anymore and thus went on super bargain saver sale. He is not right in the head.
First, he is clumsy. He is only graceful when running at full speed in the yard — the problem is that he has the energy to do that about once per year and then must sleep it off for the rest of the year. When walking, he falls up steps (mostly forgets that they are there and takes his front paws out from underneath him — resulting in sliding on his belly). He has been known to bounce off the side of the bed/chair/couch when hopping up and then he is too afraid to try it again until you beg him to hop up or pick him up.
Second, he has weird rules about weather. He hates things falling on his back like rain or snow, but adores plowing through the snow to run around. He will have the shortest periods outside if there is so much as a mist falling, but let there be feet of snow over his head and he could poke around for hours. With this he expects that you will be at the back door awaiting his return and will get upset and pout if you make him wait to return to his nap inside.
Third, he is clueless. He is neither blind nor deaf, but clueless about the world around him. When he was a puppy and would chase light beams on the carpet, he never noticed the brown bunny that would hop along outside or the squirrels that would tease him from our front steps. He would however hunt with passion things like falling leaves. Now that he is older, he didn’t notice the opossum that visited or the squirrels or the bunnies or the GIANT deer outside ever. Nope, not once; until today.
Today, during our dog’s morning walk, I saw movement in the backyard a few houses down. They have collies and so I thought there was a going to be a collie/cocker conference — but then this THING moved. Now the deer I have that wander around aren’t small — they are more like the size of mac trucks instead of the slight Bambi like things I used to think of as deer. This deer walked toward our back yard — he/she was 4 feet tall at the shoulder (roughly measured from a fence it walked by). There was full stop. The deer looked at the dog (probably wondering if it was going to give up it’s leaf diet in lieu of this tasty snack dog) and my dog was clueless. In his defense, the deer was behind the dog, but the dog turned around to sniff something (does snow — white snow — have an odor?) and looked up. My dog might not be bright, but his facial expressions are unmistakeable. He clearly thought, “Um…..um…..help.” and FROZE. There was a stare down. The deer watched; the dog froze. Then, new movement behind the big deer, a small, slight, baby deer walked up behind. The deer broke the stare down long enough for my dog to seize the chance to stop watching the deer and returned to sniffing. The deer wandered off in another direction. My dog, noticing the deer were gone, didn’t come on back in — oh, no…that would have made sense….
He started his whole sniffing, peeing, sniffing, pooping, morning routine over from the beginning with feeling this time. URGH. That dog is just not right in the head. (FWIW, he is now sleeping off his excitement — as I expect he will do for the rest of the day.)