Join Me in Snarkville

Yes, my birthday is less than a week away and for the first time in a long time, I’m not all giddy about it.  Frankly, (and I do hope this isn’t a sign of growing up) I’m sort of not all that interested this year.

Oh sure, I told myself that since I’m going away soon, I’m postponing my celebration.  (Oh, how I hope that is the case.) But as my brithday is fast approaching, I’m realizing how few times I’ve mentioned it.

(At exactly this point, Prince is kicking himself for even bothering to buy me a gift.  He’s thinking to himself, “I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t with this woman, someone shoot her and put her out of my misery.”  He also might be thinking I’m using too many parenthesis.)

I woke up Wednesday morning and realized that I’m going to be 35 in less than a week and I’m not ready.  No seriously, I’m not ready to be 35 yet.  There is so much more I have to do before I turn 35.  Since naturally, being in one’s mid-30’s means I should have finally pulled it all together and stop living like at 20 year old, right?  Of course, right.

The problem is I still do live like a 20 year old*.  For example, I make convenience foods. (There are days it is sheer force of will that I don’t live on Brown Sugar Pop-Tarts — ok, as I’ve aged, they give me heartburn, but that’s only a secondary reason for my not buying them.) (Oh, my word, I just talked about heartburn, I’m getting OLD people.)  I thought by the time someone was 35, they be eating real dinners nightly — like maybe I’d figure out how to shop for more than 1.34 meals at a time and make a dinner (consisting of meat, veggie, starch, and maybe a dessert) nightly.  (I’d also have more than one serving bowl — no need to gift me bowls people — remember I don’t cook nightly.)  Somehow, I also thought I’d be serving food family style by the time I was 35 too (thus the random bowl thoughts); but no, I dish everyone’s plate up from the stove — because why dirty another bowl just to serve pasta with butter and cheese?

By the time someone is 35, they ought to dress like a grown up.  Do grown ups wear jeans and tees every single day?  I look around at the mommies who drop their darling children off at school with me.  I see women who are pulled together with hair done and make-up at 8am; I see 20 somethings in their PJs pants (ala my college days); and I see the late 20’s-early 30’s in their tees and jeans.  I’m thinking I missed the memo that I’m supposed to be buying grown up clothing.  I mean a wardrobe that isn’t remarkably dressed up with a fleece jacket.  Apparently, I have clothing shopping to do.

A 35 year old would have a liquor cabinet.  Ok, so this one may seem odd.  But think about it, I think an adult should be able to mix some basic drinks for those fabulous people who come over from time to time.  Basically, one would like to be able to say, “Can I offer you some thing to drink?” and one of the items listed not be a juice box.  (Is this a growing up thing or a mommy thing?)

So in addition to a new 35 year old wardrobe, a menu plan (shopping/making/serving/cleaning…); I also will be scrubbing my house because a 35 year old probably ought to be able to have a clean house — or at least laundry done and beds made.

See I have too much to do before I turn 35.  Thus for the first time in my entire life, I’ve decided that I can not deal with turning 35 — since postponing my birthday will be far easier than becoming an actual grown up — in under a week.  Thus, (I’m also incapable of actually ignoring my birthday) I’m planning on not becoming 35 — I shall be 34 and 3/2.  It will be stated as “Thirty-four and three halves.”  Just like my five year old who wants to be six and thus counts his 5th year in months, “I’m 5 and a month.  I’ll be six soon.  Then I’ll be seven.”  (Perhaps teaching him to count wasn’t my smartest move.)

Oh and just so I can feel even better about my new age.  Duke declared that he has to be 43 to get a driver’s license, but that you can get a license at 33.  So Prince asked Duke (while I was driving mind you), “so how old do you think Mommy is?”  Thirty-three.  With new math, I’m technically, thirty-three and four halves.  I can work with this.

*in some ways — in other’s I’m about 92, give or take a decade.

today, on this very same day of the week, I was born.  Anyone over the age of 34 probably remembers that day as the day that the heavens opened up and angels sang and there was sun shining where once there was only rain…. (more…)

…because now is the time to start discussing (more…)

Today begins the new year — just in case you live in a cave without a calendar or Carson Daily screaming at you from the TV. Now, normal people are making resolutions to diet, be nicer, or you know, stuff. Normal people are recovering from hangovers because they actually went out last night and celebrated. But you see, the Royals are NOT normal people. Oh no. (more…)

Yes, today everyone in my house took on the age of 3. While I think it is pretty neat, Prince thinks I’m nuts and Duke was unimpressed when I explained that I was 3 today.

Since I’m a little tired I’m going to sum up in bullet points — but to sum up my sum up. I’ve had a very good day.

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Kindly disregard the whole pity party post.  Look over there, there’s nothing to see here.  Lest you think that nearly exactly 24 hours after being told my birthday was CANCELED, I gained perspective and found joy in my heart.  Basically that I grew up, I did not. Stop worrying that I found some deep maturity regarding my birthday.

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If you are here seeking some fun snark or perhaps some lighthearted humor, then today is not the day to visit. Today would be the day to bring the booze, the bitching, and join my little pity party.

However, there are ground rules (It’s my party, I set the rules). First, the phrase, “it is ONLY a day” is not allowed at ALL. Second, if you don’t understand my pity party, please move along there is nothing to see here. Third, if you are not stroking my hair, telling me how much you love me, and how the cruel the world is (read: trying to put it into perspective for me) — I pretty much don’t want to hear from you either. Hey, folks, its a PITY party, what did you expect food and happy talk? Sorry, I’m fresh out of happy (though I fear I’ve got a whole lot of crazy).

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Ahem, folks. We are nearing the middle of Birthday Month now. I highly suggest you start working on your E-cards now. I’ve been getting a few which are highly enjoyable. But I thought I’d spark your fancy with this one I got today.

Remember I’m on the look out for the BEST e-card out there. Get searching.

Yes, folks we are fast approaching mid-month in birthday month.  And I have to say I’m loving it thus far.  I’m getting the requested e-cards (though folks, *THE* day hasn’t happened yet); my friends seem to have grown to ignore my CONSTANT chatter about the birthday; and I’m looking forward to my grand plan for my birthday day!!

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Yes, there has been week one of the bowling. Oh my — we had fun and enjoyed the playful “trash talk” with our team and others. So here’s a recap of the night — by the numbers. (more…)