Join Me in Snarkville

Prince has this delightful expression for those in this world who do things that would get normal people killed and yet somehow those people still survive.  He will say, “they are too stupid to live.”  And yet they do, so I’m not sure if his expression still applies, but let’s not dig too deep — I’ve only had one cup of coffee.

But in light of this expression, I thought I would share a few examples of how truly bright we are and why there are days it is a wonder that we remember to breathe, eat or otherwise walk upright.

1. On Halloween night, I took Duke to Trick or Treat in another neighborhood with a good friend and her daughter.  While I was gone, Prince held down the fort here in Frankhouse and since there was a serious derth of kids begging candy, he loaded the dishwasher.  Now, what he didn’t know was that we were down to the dregs of the detergent and I’d put the box on the counter to remind me to pick up more on Saturday’s run to Costco.  Upon discovering no detergent and knowing that he faced a sinkfull of dishes, he did was anyone channeling Lucy Ricardo would — oh, yes, he put “a little” dishwashing liquid in the dishwasher.  I came home to a kitchen floor covered about 3″ deep in soap suds.  The Queen Mum’s reaction?  “Well, that’s one way to clean the floor.”
2. We took a cranky, post-Halloween excited (though he was not hopped up on candy) to Costco on the first truly rainy weekend day in months.  We did this right after lunch and during a time that he really probably needed quiet time or perhaps a nap.  We not only dragged him around the store; refused to look at (read: buy) any of the toys; and made laps trying to find a few things.
3. I decided that we had enjoyed enough chicken and needed some beef in our life.  Thus I embarked on making a few beef items — let’s call this a mini-cooking session.  I chose FOUR meals (I might mention that the day I spent 7 hours in the kitchen making more chicken than I thought possible, I made 5 meals) of beef.  I went with things I was pretty sure we’d eat and enjoy.  I tallied the ingredients, bought some at Costco, and delayed going to the grocery until Sunday — at which time I broke the cardinal rule of shopping and cooking on the same day.  But that was ok, I was just making a few dishes.  I can truly announce that I have my first failure.  I tried to make shredded beef tacos, but the way they wanted me to make the beef (basically boiling/steaming in water forever) produced a tough lump of ick.  It is now in the garbage as I plan on just browning some ground beef and moving on.  However, unlike my first day of complete plans, this one was less well thought out.  Oh, I made all the meals and stored them properly, but I wasn’t on top of cleaning as I went like before (yielding us two sinks full of dishes and one more load in the dishwasher before I’m back to normal.  But that isn’t the best part.  I’m still trying to sort out the best way to store the food in the freezer.  The Queen Mum mentioned an article she read about pour food into ziploc bags that are inside a cereal box to make bricks instead of the blobs you get when you just put unfrozen ziploc bags in the freezer.  I tried this.  Warning: Do not even bother to try this yourself.  The cereal box is NOT strong enough to hold a box like shape against the weight of your food.  You WILL spill as you pour making the box WET and thus making it not slide off the ziploc bag.  And you will really odd looks from your family as you pour soup into a box for Cheerios.  (I’m thinking mailing boxes might work better, but I need two gallon bags to try that out.
4. Do not attempt to cut your child’s hair at bedtime on Sunday night.  Even though you’ve talked about doing it all weekend long and it REALLY needed to be done — just don’t.  Step away from the clippers.  I hope Duke likes his new buzz cut.

Finally, in case you were wondering, Duke had Halloween homework this weekend that required he sort and classify all of his candy.  This is a great idea IN THEORY.  However, in reality this is the WORST plan ever.  First, this means that he has played with the candy all weekend long and that’s just annoying.  Where normally I’d let him have a few pieces and then we’d move on by throwing out much of it or feeding it to Prince, Duke now knows everything he has and how much.  URGH.  We finally let him have some last night when the project was done.  I have never been more tempted to send a note into school saying that we don’t celebrate candy and would kindly like no more project to involve the fondling of sugar products EVER.

and there’s a reason — um, because there’s nothing special about it.

Well, this might explain why Duke could not understand why I wasn’t taking photos of him today.  As we walked out of the house this morning he says, “You forgot the camera, you gotta take pictures of me on my way to school.”  “I do? Why?”  “Because you gotta.”

I’m sorry, Duke, it appears you have missed the point we must get all excited about the first day of something and totally forget there are other days to follow.  All of those days are going to pale in comparison to the hype of the first day.  Seriously, when have you ever known there to be as much hype for the closing of the Olympics as the opening?  How many people plan weddings forgetting that after that single day there is a marriage to follow (watch a few episodes of Bridezillas, if you think I’m kidding)?  What joy is there in Opening Day for Baseball season — but who remembers game 12?

So, my dear son has just realized one of life’s little cruelities — we build up the first day, there is a party and by day 2, the fun is over and the work has begun.  There were no nametags today.  No parents even walking past the door to the classroom (thank goodness, because frankly there were FAR too many parents there yesterday — it gave me the hives). There were no special anythings — today, today the work of learning begins.

Therefore, in honor of Day 2, I bring you the short list of things I feel superior about (right this minute and freely admit that I may not be on the top of my game in oh and hour — just saying):

1. We have walked to school every day since Monday.  Yes, walked.  As in on my feet.  Yes, without being able to breathe oxygen through my nose.  I feel much superior to the mom I saw DRIVE her kid one of the two blocks to school and walk the rest of the way (I’m guessing she’s pretending that she walked the whole way).
2. I have gotten dressed in REAL clothing both of the drop off days this week.  I thought surely it would be at least a week before I saw mommies in PJ pants, nope, day two.
3. I found milk boxes.  They are just like juice boxes, but they contain milk — for those kids who prefer milk to juice.  I’m proud of this because I had to check FOUR separate spots in the store before finding them.  FWIW, they are in the juice box section.  (When we found them last night, Duke was so happy he jumped up and down and wanted to give me a high five for my accomplishment.)
4. I returned my homework to the teacher on time.  Yes, in the packet we got yesterday, I had homework from the teacher — I did it and returned it this morning.  One assignment down — a ton more to go.
5. My kindergarten teacher didn’t send home a note declaring that homework was OPTIONAL.  Ahem, have I mentioned that I really like my teacher.  (And yes, I heard the other pack of parents discussing this in the hall at pick-up.)
6. My kid didn’t suck up with flowers in a plastic cup for the teacher — though his mommy is trying to figure out if she’d like a hand knit.  I was also considering some of the 4 billion apples and peaches I have in the backyard.  Who says I can’t suck up?

Now, on a complete sidenote to everything, I just have to say that I wanted to smack a few dads yesterday who mocked (yes, I said mocked) the little boy who was crying when his mommy left him in school.  I was mortified for his mom and for him.  Frankly, those parents should be ashamed and have known better — but then again, I’m pretty sure they locked kids in lockers and gave out wedgies when they were in school.  Perhaps I should not be too harsh on them, since it is apparent that their lives peaked in high school football and they’ve been reliving that glory with a few too many beers since.  Ahem — that was harsh wasn’t it.

Nope, none.  (Ok, there are hundreds.)  But the reality is that today, I had a kid who literally vibrated with excitement and practically ran to school.  He is there with the most noble of goals — to get smart.

First, I got an inkling that the list might be up early, because the office staff goes home at 4pm and who in their right minds would come back at 5pm just to put it up?  So, Duke and I walked to school at 4:15pm to play on the playground and check it out.  Sure enough the class lists were up and joy of joys, Duke was *IN* a class!!

No, that is not where there were answers.  It just so happened that as we walked back, I noticed that his room was open and we popped our heads in.  Low and behold, his teacher was there and she’s WONDERFUL!!!  I already have a crush on her — which I know will make all my family happy.  But she has a few great first impressions with me:

1. She spoke to Duke like he was a person and didn’t expect me to answer though him.
2. She wasn’t plastic or overly perky.
3. She seemed thrilled that we popped by and not put out by it all (even when Duke asked if he could just stay there until tomorrow morning).
4. She declared that my son was REALLY CUTE.  (She’s so my new BFF.)
5. Her husband was putting together class furniture and he was nice (as were her two girls).
6. She said the magic words to me: “I like this to be a partnership with parents.  We work together and the kids do well.”  (I may have hugged her then — and now she’s afraid of me — kidding.)

Duke also likes her, which is good, I guess — but isn’t my love for her more important?

No seriously, gentle readers, I’m so much more at ease with tomorrow because of those few minutes.  I was quick to volunteer for room mommy status and I got the quick how to, so I could properly volunteer.  The great thing is that his teacher is also our neighbor — no seriously, she’s literally a few doors down the street.  This makes me uncommonly giddy (since she’s also my new BFF).  (Did you know that some of my family still socialize with *MY* kindergarten teacher?  Oh, yes, it has been a few years since I was in kindergarten and I think I’m forbidden to mention in social settings that she was my teacher oh, low, those many years ago.)

In other news, we have celebrated the end of summer vacation ALL.DAY.LONG.  We’ve reset the allowable times to be on the computer to not be in the mornings.  We’ve gone out and had pancakes for lunch (Prince is going to kill me that I introduced Duke to IHOP) and we went out for a special dinner.  (Yes, it was so much more a celebration of the end of summer and not at all because I had no desire to cook nor go to the grocery store, why do you ask?)

I’m ready now.  The backpack is loaded with a snack.  Duke is bathed and in bed getting good sleep for school.  I have a charged camera for the first day of school shot.  I’m going to take more cold meds and get my sleep — I have a PTA to join tomorrow!!!

This is the time of year that we pause our normal snark to reflect on one of my crowning achievements in my life — raising a small human another year without harm, injury, jail, or duct taping him to a wall.  For this single achievement we should all celebrate; oh wait, we are celebrating.

Proving once again that my son is his own person, he is barely interested in his birthday.  I’m rather sure that it is not possible that this is my child — but I waved a cupcake under his nose and he came to and got excited once again.

The problem is simple, bumper cars.  Last week we took him to an amusment park and he was tall enough to ride so very many rides (many totally on his own).  [Sidenote:  I totally teared up when he rode the kiddy rollercoaster all by himself -- the same coaster he's ridden for the past three years, but this year could ride alone.  Oh, yes, I'm going to be a mess for the first day of school.]  But the one ride he wanted to ride more than anything was the bumper cars.  The problem is that for reasons I can’t understand, even with an adult, you had to be 48″ tall to ride.  Seriously?  Well, Duke heard me say “he needs to grow about 6 more inches” and turned that in his mind that he needs to be six years old.  Oh, yes, now we merely see five as the beginning of the count down to six.

Now, this brings us full circle to how I know he’s my kid.  While he may not be birthday crazed, he is always looking forward at the next thing he could do.  I spent my life not being happy I was 12 because 13 was just around the corner; or enjoying being 15 because 16 was coming up…you get the point.  Now I’m watching my son miss being 5, because he thinks he gets the bumper cars at 6.

So, this morning, when he bounced into bed this morning and I sleepily kissed him and said “Happy Birthday, Buddy.” Prince looked over and said, “You know what today is?” Duke grunted. “Today you are a whole handful.  Look, for the next year you can hold up you hand whenever someone asks how old you are.”

Duke grins and smiles.  He checks out his hand and declares, “I am five and five is a lot.”

Yes, Buddy, five is a lot and you are indeed a handful.  My handful and I’m thrilled.  This shall be a good year.

Week one of Summer Camp was AMAZING.  I want to put summer camp in my pocket and take it home with me and keep it with me always.

Duke loved playing with new friends, he loved getting away from his mother for a few hours a day, and he got to SWIM in a pool for him on Friday.  Seriously, I couldn’t have made camp any better if I’d soaked it in chocolate and put sprinkles on it.  All my worries about a late night camp decision is gone and I’m trying to decide if I’m going to extend his camp experience into August or try out other camp options (like Soccer Camp — who knows.)  However, there is one very sad bit from Camp - Week One. (more…)

Ok, so of the many reasons I was looking forward to the end of preschool for Duke was that I was hoping to separate him from the single worst, most horrible, icky thing at his school…. (more…)

Before I begin, I have to tell you that as a kid I loved from the deepest parts of my heart summer camp.  Yes, sleep away summer camp and day camp alike.  I loved it all.  I loved it with the swimming in the middle of the day, the odd smell of sunscreen and sweat, and I loved the camp games.  This is really good since I spent much of my growing up summers in various camps.  I’d go to church camp, girl scout camp, YMCA camp, you’ve got a camp and I was there.  While some might say this was because my parents worked, I have to say that I loved camp enough that I never minded it. (more…)

I started this morning off feeling really good about my abilities to balance at home work and mommyhood.  I fed both Duke and myself a decent breakfast, I cleaned up the dishes (even unloading the dishwasher from last night — which would make FlyLady happy), I even made a game of picking up the shoes and toys in the living room so I could finally vacuum up the fur.  We giggled and worked and it was good.  I did all of this before 8am this morning.

Then, I did the unthinkable.  I showered.  I dressed.  I asked my child to dress.  The train came off the tracks when I suggested he brush his teeth.  You see my perfect and darling child could not find his toothbrush.  I came in the bathroom to help only to find out that he knew EXACTLY where his toothbrush was, he just couldn’t get it.  Why?  Because he has shoved his toothbrush DOWN the sink drain!  Yes, he pulled the stopper out and then shoved (with some amount of force) the entire length of his child sized toothbrush into the drain until it hit something and wedged itself under the drain ring.  Then he had the nerve to be UPSET that he couldn’t get his toothbrush out. Imagine that?

Him: I can’t get this out.

Me: How did it get in there?

Him: It’s stuck.

Me: I get that, HOW.DID.YOUR.TOOTHBRUSH.GET.INTO.THE.DRAIN?

Him: It’s not coming out.

Me: Did *YOU* shove your toothbrush in the drain?

Him: Yes. Why is it not coming out?

Me: Because you wedged it in there.  Let me find pliers before I eat you.

(He tasted good, sort of like chicken — I added BBQ sauce for flavor you know)

He knew I was upset, so he begins to take LOUD deep breaths (like we’ve taught him to do to calm down) and nearly hyperventilates.  Did you know it is impossible to still be mad at your child when he is taking deep breaths and looking sad.

With effort, I got the toothbrush out of the drain.  With considerably more effort, I calmly explained the importance of the stopper and why he is NEVER.EVER. no, not even then, to remove the stopper from the sink and SHOVE anything down the drain.

Today was a day of travel for all of Snarkville. So, since I am beyond tired and about to scream if I don’t get 20 more minutes to get to the end of my audiobook — you get the notes (yes, the actual notes I took today to spark my blog post in the future).

1. When going to bed last night, I explained to Duke that we were getting up early to go to the airport and he needed to get dressed and not stall. So he tells me, “You have to turn the light on and say, ‘Good Morning, did you have a good sleep? We go to the airport now.’ Then I say, ‘Yes, I had a good sleep.’ and I get dressed.” Scripted yes, but worked like a charm. Thanks, Duke for planning that part of my day for me.
2. The streets are REALLY dark at night. (Profound much?)
3. How long does it take to print a bag tag and acknowledge my existance? Perhaps I’ve done this too much that I was asked by the line lady if I needed help because I was just standing there. Of course, I was standing there because I had already checked in and just wanted to hand them my bags filled with all the liquids I couldn’t carry on the plane.
4. Duke announced to first class on the plane that “I’m HERE.” Oh yes, that was fun.
5. My 4 year old son was better behaved than my “old enough to be my mother” fellow passenger on the other side of me. For the record, SIT STILL. You need not get everything out of your bag, hit me with it, elbow me fighting for the armrest (YOUR OTHER armrest), lean on me (in fact touching me in any way is out), and please don’t TOUCH my drink.
6. Why am I invisible when traveling with Duke. The flight crews don’t seem to notice him either — this is most noticeable when I need trash picked up, so I can grab something off the floor.
7. Do NOT stop my seasoned traveler son to tell him how to read his boarding pass to find his seat number. He KNOWS this and you stopping him was weird to him. (As was trying to tell him to sit back in his seat so he couldn’t look out the window.
8. My Bose headphones are a deadly weapon? WHAT? Yes, I was not allowed to put my headphone case in the pocket in front of me because ‘it is heavy and could hurt you if it came flying out.’ I also could not HOLD it, put it in my lap, or between me and Duke. However, I could keep on knitting with my pointy metal knitting needles. When was the last time you heard of anyone needing stitches from a random headphone case accident?
9. Walking down steep stairs with two bags and a Duke is HARD.
10. I don’t eat enough while traveling — got here and was HUNGRY. Ate an onion loaf — felt much better. Was it the food or the grease? Don’t answer, I don’t really care.
11. iPhone ticked me off for the first time ever — it interrupted my attempt to call Prince to keep beeping at me to accept texts from Prince. The problem was it wouldn’t let me hang up the phone until I’d accepted the text messages. That was SUPER annoying — Prince probably has a voicemail saying things like “Why won’t this thing hang up already….URGH.”

Don’t you wish you got to travel with me? I should warn you, I make you haul your own bag and don’t put up with poor in plane behavior.