Finding Joy in Snarkville

So, I’m a wee bit scattered today.  I feel completely pulled in 1000 directions and none of them seem forward.  So I bring you just a wee bit of randomness today — and today, it is form of the open letter, because I feel like it.

Dear Mid-Snark-Target-Shopping-Cart drivers:

Ok, I realize that my manifesto on the proper driving of the shopping cart has not made it here yet, but please — for the love of all that is cheap — STOP parking your cart in the OPENING of an aisle.  Yes, it is always the aisle I need to walk down.  Yes, I expect you to move.  No, I don’t think I’m unreasonable when I ask you “May I PLEASE get my shopping done while you stop and do what???  Oh, yes, contemplate your naval.”

Yours,

The Queen

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Dear Squirrels:

I know you are mad because of the way cool baffle we installed to keep you out of the bird food.  Prince is considering installing a Squirrel Bungee — but that’s more for our enjoyment than yours.  But still — you will not win against my baffle.  Please stop trying:

Just remember you are not smart — and I am.

The Queen

PS Are you the one that was in my attic the other night?  If so, I have some yummy, yummy food for you.

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Dear Goldfinch Family:

Welcome to the neighborhood.  I hope you find that nest you are making comfy and want to raise some finchy babies here.  Do you want some yarn to make it complete or is that spider web working out for you?  Feel free to laugh at the squirrels when you grab a bite to eat.

Hope you like the food,

The Queen

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Dear Kids Camp:

Thank you so much for the fabulous summer you gave Duke.  He loved it so much and talks about it all the time.  However, would you take a few minor notes for next year?

• Move the vending machines and video games from right outside your room.  I spent way too much on that driving game that my son can’t really even reach the pedals.  On the upside, his goal of being a racing driver by age 8 will most certainly come true….as long as my quarters hold out.
• Perhaps you might want to rethink giving *MY* son a microphone.  Just saying.
• Thanks for the honorable mention in the talent show.  I’m thrilled he did such an outstanding job and I’m certain that his future as a stand-up comic will be waiting for him once he is off the racing circuit.  Also, thanks for planting that wee little seed into my son’s brain.
• Could you perhaps separate the girls and boys?  It was embarrassing to ME to have to wait for all the girls in his group to hug him good-bye daily.  Boy, who’d a thunk a group of 3rd graders would fall for him so quickly — it was the talent show, wasn’t it?  (So happy he doesn’t know his phone number yet.)
• Could you be less fun so that I wouldn’t have a ‘bored’ kid because there is NOTHING to do?

Thanks,

The Queen

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Finally.

Dear School:

Please start already.

Thanks,

The Queen

…according to Duke:

Take One:
“It is the King’s Birthday.”

Take Two:
Martin Luther King got shot. They didn’t like what he said and they shot him. Then he died.

(So, what did he say that they didn’t like?)

That we were all the same on the outside, even if we are different on the inside.

Does he go to the best school or what???

Tonight I have a horrible headache. The kind that makes me want to poke my eyeballs back into my head, since they just must be poking out. So, I go to the cabinet and pull out two pills for my head. Duke follows and says:

“My head hurts too. I need Medi-Care.”

“huh, what?”

“I need Medi-Care. Actually, I need a ’scription plan.”

That’s it — no more TV for that kid.

(In case you needed to know, I gave him a vitamin — which according to him, didn’t make his head feel any better. I do hope this will work until he’s old enough for Medi-Care.)

Sometimes, you need just a small record of the incredible things that come out our mouths. Today — it seemed we were on a roll.

“Well, I’m mad too. And I’m the Dad, so *MY* mad is better than your mad.”

“I’m just channeling my inner Lucy.” (Said as I literally turned on the mixer with the better covered in chocolate cake was NOT in the cake batter and it sprayed my kitchen.”

“Ok, fine. When you get the cake out of the oven and let it cool then you are GOING to come back here and read me the one about the vans.” (Said as I explained that I had to get the cake out of the oven and thus could not read him yet another story before he went to sleep — kiss me and go to sleep.)

“But Mama, it is SUUUNNNNDDDDAAAAYYY. We have pancakes on Sunday.” “Honey, I know, but we overslept and I have to get in the shower before we go to church. I’ll tell you what, I’ll make you pancakes for lunch AFTER church.” “No, we can’t have pancakes AFTER church, we’ll need to have LUNCH then and pancakes are for breakfast.” (I share this one to share the last one….)

“Mama, make pancakes for dinner.”
(Apparently pancakes are a breakfast or a dinner food — but not a lunch food.)

…I want to tell you all about my Christmas.  How perfect it was to have my family there and how special each and every day was.  I wouldn’t even be spinning a tale to tell you that — it was special and magical and nearly perfect in every single way.  However, I’m still totally exhuasted from Christmas.

I spent two weeks with the royal parents and they seriously made me work hard.  In trips past, the Queen Mum and I have had grand plans for things to do on the trip down. (Prince does too, but his plans involve where to eat so he can get foods we can get in Snarkville.)  This trip, on the first night when I was weak with the journey my mother pounced. “You know, we need to plan this better so we actually get the stuff we want to get done — done.” So, we began.

In the course of two little bitty weeks, we accomplished the following:

1. Trip to see Santa.  One photo taken — no fear of the man in red this year.  One type-A family in front of us in line, completely and totally made fun of.  (On a sad note, the family had an 18 month old girl who plopped herself down in the fake snow.  Her helicopter mommy and inattentive dad, never saw the perfect photo that made, while obsessing over if all the kids were smiling on Santa’s knee.)

2. Unpacked/handwashed/sorted/repacked some 1 billion dishpacks of stuff.  This one will never sound like the amount of work it was (sadly there are only 3 people who saw how much work this was — so sympathy for the sore muscles and whining was low), but we sorted through a metric ton of stuff.  My grandmother was our family historian and sorting through the final boxes (which were not small and did take us a solid three days to do) was like walking through memory lane beginning with my great-great-great grandmother and a few many times great aunts.  We dug, divided and then proceeded to handwash so much of it.  In addition to this, I washed, dried and ironed more Irish linen than I’ve ever seen outside of the Irish import store I worked in during high school.

3. I spent 4 hours getting my hair corrected.  You see, not long ago, in a fit of frugality, I bought hair color on sale.  Um, it was not the color I thought it should have been.  So, I went to see the guy who has done my hair since I was 15 and got him to fix it.  Just a note, things you never want to hear in a salon, “Perhaps you might not want to look right now.”  There was a period of time my hair was literally pumpkin orange.  It is better now.

4. Finished decorating the Christmas tree.  Since we didn’t put one up this year (travel and all), the Queen Mum saved a few ornaments for us to hang.  We did this and then packed away boxes so that the house transformed from just a house into “Christmas House.”  Duke took to calling one room “The Christmas Room” and we will see if that sticks the next time we go when the tree isn’t up in the room.

5. Completed Christmas crafts with Duke.  These included two placemats, one ornament, and lots of drawing and playing with clay.

6. Baked goods.  When I arrived, I annouced that there was a horrible lack of baked goods in the house, something that must be corrected NOW.  In the time I was there, we made and ate: 2 batches of cookies; one red velvet cake; one rum cake; cheesecake (well, it was store bought — but we ate it) and one pumpkin cake.  This doesn’t begin to cover the additional cookies that were brought in.  I will note that neither the Queen Mum nor I ate all of this alone — we had help.

7. Moved furniture and made beds.  In the course of my two weeks, four additional adults arrived.  We did more laundry, dishes, and random stuff than I can possibly explain.  I spoke to the Queen Mum the other day and she reports that her washer is on strike and the dishwasher is considering joining a union.

8. Went to the park, meet up with a high school friend, and rode bikes/scooters.  We worked on teaching Duke to ride his bike without training wheels — but I have to say he was awesome with the scooter.

9. Ate amazing food.  My dad outdid himself this year.  Not only did we have three full days of Christmas, including a Boxing Day affair — the food was over the top.  (And I made Yorkshire puddings.)

I’m sure there was a ton more — but for the life of me I can not type anymore.  Seriously, I’m exhausted just remembering all we did.

So, I shall end with the story, I’ve wanted to tell you all along. My parents had a small get together on Christmas night.  We had my whole family who were staying at the house and another couple.  When the other couple arrived, Duke looked up and declared, “You can’t stay over, we have no beds for you.”  That was true, we were officially out of beds — the good news was they lived around the corner.

A belated Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

Ok, I promise to be done with this soon — but the more I think about Hobbes, the more I remember random things about this cat — funny things I think I might need to share:

1. Hobbes fell into the toliet in my first apartment twice.  Yup, he’d be running full tilt to hop up on the counter to chat with me while brushing my teeth and he’d use the toliet as a stepping stone — only to find out too late that the lid was up.  This led to one of the two cardinal rules in my house — “The toliet seat lid must be down if you aren’t using it.”
2. As a kitten, Hobbes liked the smell of beer.  I’m not sure if this is bad for a cat or not, but his love for the smell of beer led to the other cardinal rule in my home, “Never leave a beverage unattended.”  (He wasn’t always sure you didn’t have a beer until his face was in your water glass.)
3. He loved to drink the water from under my Christmas tree — when I still had a living tree.
4. His absolute favorite thing was stinky morning breath.  He would love to shove in my mouth when I’d yarn first thing in the morning.  You think morning breath is bad?  Try having a cat nose in your mouth.
5. Prince honestly believed he was afraid of heights.  In his later years he wouldn’t climb like he used to.  Prince met him when he was 3 — and he was already sporting a 16 pound frame.  But as a kitten he’d hang out on top of the fridge.
6. Hobbes loved the idea going outside, but had no idea what he ought to do when out there.  He escaped a few times over the years and never made it further than the steps outside the door.
7. When we got the dog, Hobbes was so offended that he slept on my head for a year.  I’m not kidding on my head.
8. As a kitten, he was an awesome alarm clock.  He used to burrow under my pillow when the alarm went off and push until I was somewhat upright.
9. He hated to ride in the car and was known to meow the WHOLE time the car was moving.
10. He loved vanilla ice cream.
11. He also loved freeze dried shrimp.  He loved these so much that if the package wasn’t locked away, the package would be ingested by a tabby.
12. About 6 years ago he lost a canine tooth (the big hanging down tooth), this meant his upper lip didn’t always cover his lower canine tooth — a look we took to calling “Evil Hobbes”  He also had a scar in his lip from biting his own lip.
13. My parents first introduction to Hobbes was during his early bout with fleas — not only did they think I was nuts for having a cat (expense when I had no pennies) I had a cat with fleas.  It was too much.
14. However, dealing with those fleas, I came to love advantage and borax (dust on carpet and it makes fleas explode — vacuum at will).

All in all he was a very good cat and friend.  But I’ve gone nearly 24 hours without crying — so alas, the sun will still rise.  And I’m counting my extra pennies from one less mouth to feed expensive food and one less butt pooping in the litter box.

(More from the lost posts series)

Last night, I had the delight of going to the local elementary school to review the materials that will be presented to our children in what passes for “Human Interaction” — or you’ll remember it called “Sex Ed.”  Oh, but we’ve progressed so far and now we add to the fun of teaching our children about their changing bodies their roles in a society and global something or other.  Frankly, my eyes glazed over about the time I realized that I was going to sit through the FOURTH grade films with a room full of my equally embarrassed parents.

Before I go forward, I have to say that I was stunned in the turn out of the review.  When there was back to school night the largest room in the school was standing room only to listen to how the PTA raises money by selling wrapping paper no one needs.  But when we actually get to discuss, review and try to decide if we think this is truly age appropiate, the presentation was for TWO schools and held in the library (which has three tables and 14 chairs).  When I walked in I asked the school nurse if she was expecting a huge crowd and she giggled and said, “I’d be shocked if all these chairs are full.”

Now, I get that the information doesn’t change, so you can eliminate anyone who has older kids and aren’t new to the district.  However, I was the ONLY kindergarten parent there.  Let me let that sink in a moment.  I know I’m not the only parent whose oldest kid is new to the school this year, but I was the only parent there from Duke’s grade.  I’m glad to know we all have our priorities straight.

Back to the evening.  Now remember the audience of this meeting, apparently they are the only parents who would consider not giving their permission to this course of study in our schools.  The vast majority were concerned about the details, the information passed and the context given.  Basically, they are in the group of “there’s biology and that’s fine, but you can’t talk about the rest without talking morality and what morality are you sharing?”  This was a refreshing group.  There was the small group of people who were “Don’t you dare talk to my children about this and I want to argue crowd.”  And finally there was the group who just wanted to know what was coming for their kids’ grade so they could ‘pre-teach’ it. This was slightly refreshing — to see parents who care about and are involved in what their kids are taught.

Then out of the blue, the school nurse (who frankly missed her calling as a warden in a women’s prison) says, who wants to see the movie we show the 4th graders?  Oh sure, that was going to be fun.  The movie is called “Just around the Corner” and there is a version for boys and a girls (we saw both).  The movies were slightly better production value but seriously they are horrible.  Horrible in the since that they were boring, trite, and not at all interesting.  I can only imagine that half the class is sound asleep by the end of the movie.

So, I was forced to wonder why has sex-ed not gotten any better in the modern day.  Seriously, how hard is it to make a film about BIOLOGY and not make is a giggle fest as they dance around the actual biology in an effort to remind us every ten seconds, “If you have any questions, talk to an adult.”

One dad wanted to know why his 4th grade daughter was going to be told that her body was built to carry a baby.  I was a little stunned by that one.  But the thing that I found most disturbing is that I sat through 2 films and looked through the materials and not once was I told what the other stuff they were gong to teach the kids.  Again, there’s the biology and there’s the other stuff — am I alone in thinking it is the “other stuff” that is more controversal?

More posts from the Way-Back Machine

Back to my day. You see today was Duke’s last day in pre-school. You may remember that there is not much love lost between me and this school. There was the biting and the teacher I disliked and the clothes that got lost. But there were really so many good things for Duke. There were friends he made. There was the foods he ate and learned to eat. There was the potty training. There was outside play (complete with sand in the shoes and muddy pants, but who cares). There were art projects (despite that one year where all the Mother’s Day art was broken — but who’s counting, really? ok, me, what?). There are stop signs that he uses now and learning about teamwork. There were two teachers who truly loved him and that I will miss greatly.

We decided in January that Duke was going to kindergarten this fall and I wanted him home with me for the summer. You see, I am past ready for it to be my turn. I spent the first two years of his life being jealous of Prince who was home all day with the wonderful smell of baby head while I was out making money to keep the child in designer baby clothes. Then we moved and I opened a business and getting it going and moving meant Duke needed to be in pre-school. Also, Duke was in need of some kids to play with his own age. So to school he went. Frankly, this summer is for me.

Yes, I think it will be good for Duke, but this is about me. About my need to spend time and find a routine with my son. To get to stop and play awhile instead of my time with him being all about dinner, bath, and sleep. I have no idea what we will do all summer long, but in January when I was planning this, I saw hours of prep for Kindergarten at the kitchen table. I saw walks to the park in the sun. I saw playing in muddy streams (as if I’d allow that in reality, PLEASE). I saw checking out bugs, going to the library, cooking together, and bonding. Apparently, I was also spending my free time drinking — because I’m not entirely sure when I saw the planning for this summer of fun, the laundry, or the housework being done. But alas, I had dreams.

We will miss pre-school, but know this time is best for Duke.  That said, I have wee panic over what the heck are we going to do all summer — after all, you think I’ve prepped a single one of those grand ideas I had up there?  Nope, not a one of them.

Of all the things I feel I must share, not a single one of them is worthy of its own post.  So, you get the joys of yet another totally random post filled with the bits of our lives that amuse me. (more…)

Yesterday, I got a call from a friend checking in on me and she said, “wow, your posts have been more snarky than usual.” Um, I hadn’t thought so. Ranting, yes; but was there true snark there? Possibly. I mean seriously, I’m never too far from the snark.  So, today, I bring you true paragraphs that have nothing to do with each other.

If you think YOU were the one who rained on my parade* (more…)